How to Identify an Abusive Marriage
Think about whether you feel safe., Consider whether you feel heard in the relationship., Consider whether you feel the need to “love” your partner into change., Consider whether your partner takes responsibility for actions., Think about your “free...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Think about whether you feel safe.
Threatening to hurt you or your loved ones, especially your children, is a common tactic by abusive partners.Abusers may also destroy your property or threaten your pets.Even the threat of violence is abuse.
If you do not feel safe and stable in your relationship, this is a sign that you need immediate help.
Gay, bisexual, or transgender individuals may also face the threat of being forcibly “outed” to friends, family, or coworkers by their abusers. -
Step 2: Consider whether you feel heard in the relationship.
There is a vast difference between a partner “being in charge” or “taking responsibility” and an abusive partner.
Even in relationships where one partner usually takes responsibility for a certain area, such as finances or childcare, both partners should feel as though their ideas and needs are acknowledged.
When partners disagree on how something should be handled, a healthy relationship will listen to both sides and come to a compromise.
Abusive relationships are extremely one-sided.An abuser is dominant in all areas of the relationship.
S/he does not allow decisions or ideas to be questioned.
S/he does not listen to your ideas, desires, or needs.
There is no sense of mutuality or collaboration.
If you do not feel like your partner listens to you or acknowledges your needs and wishes, this is a sign that you may be in an abusive relationship. , This belief is a red flag.
Often, the victims of abusive relationships believe that their abuse is their fault, and that if they simply love their partners enough the abuse will stop.This is not true.
This belief is often compounded by the abuser, who may make claims that s/he is “trying” to get better or say that s/he “needs” your help to change.
Remember that each person’s actions are their own choice.
You are not responsible for your partner’s abuse and it is not your responsibility to “fix” your partner.
Abusers may threaten to harm or kill themselves if you leave.
This is manipulation and emotional abuse.
You may feel like you should stay in the relationship to keep this from happening, but it isn’t your responsibility., Abusive people blame others for their feelings and their actions.
They will force you to take responsibility for how they treat you even though it is not your responsibility to control them.
An abuser will try to make you feel guilty when you don’t give him/her what s/he wants.
For example, an abuser might say “You’re making me so angry I can’t control myself” or “I can’t help feeling jealous because I love you so much.” The abuser will try to manipulate you into doing what s/he wants by pushing responsibility onto you: “When you don’t do what I want I get crazy” or “I’ll kill myself if you don’t do what I want to do.” , Abusive relationships do not.
The abusive partner is often extremely jealous and controlling.
Consider whether you are able to do the following:
Spend time on your own, without your partner.
People in abusive relationships are often tightly controlled by their partners.
Abusers usually do not want their partners to be on their own at any time.
They may monitor their partners’ time and activities closely.
They may refuse to allow you to be on your own, saying they “love you too much” to be away from you.Spend time with friends.
Abusive partners will often isolate their victims from others.
The abused partner is not “allowed” to have friends or even see family or coworkers without getting permission from the abuser.
The abuser may say s/he is “jealous” of others’ attention and doesn’t want you to be around anyone but him/her.Be out and about without reporting back to your partner.
Abusive partners often “check up” on their partners.
Abused partners often feel like they have to “report” on their activities and routines.
Use technology.
An abusive partner may use technology to control you.
You may not feel free to have your own email or social media accounts.
Your partner may send you threatening messages or attempt to blackmail you.
S/he may demand your online passwords and monitor your technology use.
S/he may insist that you answer your cellphone whenever s/he calls you, and may demand to “inspect” your phone to see who else you are contacting., Abusive partners may tightly control the household finances.
They may take money that you earn, refuse to give you money for expenses, or require you to “earn” money from them by doing something for them.
All of these actions are designed to keep you dependent on the abuser so you cannot leave.Other types of economic abuse include forbidding you from attending school or getting a job.Abusive partners will often refuse debit or credit cards to their partners.
They may also take out credit lines in your name.
Even small or reasonable expenses may send them into a rage.Men who are abused in relationships may feel unable to leave the relationship if they make less than their partner., In healthy relationships, partners do not use contempt, name-calling, disrespect, or other abusive language.If you consistently feel humiliated, belittled, threatened, disrespected, or intimidated by your partner, this is a sign that you are in an abusive relationship.Name-calling and other forms of verbal abuse are still abuse.
A partner who calls you “crazy” or “stupid” or “ugly” is abusing you.
Belittling is a very common abusive tactic.
An abusive partner may tell you that you “never do anything right” or will “never find anyone else who loves you.” These kinds of things are meant to keep you feeling dependent on the abuser.Emotional and psychological abuse may happen in public or in front of other people, making it easier for others to identify.
The abused person may stay quiet or appear passive when the abuse is happening.
This doesn’t mean that s/he is “okay” with or “used to” this abuse., All relationships have moments of conflict and times when things don’t seem great.
However, abusive relationships have a particular cycle that repeats over and over again:
An abusive incident.
This is any type of abuse, including emotional, physical, or sexual.
A period of tension.
The abuser may become angry.
S/he may blame the victim for the abusive incident.
The victim will often feel like s/he is “walking on eggshells.” A “make-up” period.
The abusive person may apologize profusely.
S/he will likely promise it will “never happen again.” S/he may also try to minimize or deny that abuse took place, or offer excuses such as “I was just angry.” A period of “good” time.
The abusive person will often behave fairly well for some period of time.
S/he may give you gifts or be nice to you.
S/he may even keep promises made during the make-up period.
However, because the underlying reasons for abuse have not been addressed, this will not last.
Tension will build up again.
Another abusive incident occurs. -
Step 3: Consider whether you feel the need to “love” your partner into change.
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Step 4: Consider whether your partner takes responsibility for actions.
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Step 5: Think about your “free time.” Even the most intimate
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Step 6: close healthy relationships give each partner personal space.
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Step 7: Consider whether you have economic freedom.
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Step 8: Think about how your partner talks to you.
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Step 9: Consider whether abuse seems to come in cycles.
Detailed Guide
Threatening to hurt you or your loved ones, especially your children, is a common tactic by abusive partners.Abusers may also destroy your property or threaten your pets.Even the threat of violence is abuse.
If you do not feel safe and stable in your relationship, this is a sign that you need immediate help.
Gay, bisexual, or transgender individuals may also face the threat of being forcibly “outed” to friends, family, or coworkers by their abusers.
There is a vast difference between a partner “being in charge” or “taking responsibility” and an abusive partner.
Even in relationships where one partner usually takes responsibility for a certain area, such as finances or childcare, both partners should feel as though their ideas and needs are acknowledged.
When partners disagree on how something should be handled, a healthy relationship will listen to both sides and come to a compromise.
Abusive relationships are extremely one-sided.An abuser is dominant in all areas of the relationship.
S/he does not allow decisions or ideas to be questioned.
S/he does not listen to your ideas, desires, or needs.
There is no sense of mutuality or collaboration.
If you do not feel like your partner listens to you or acknowledges your needs and wishes, this is a sign that you may be in an abusive relationship. , This belief is a red flag.
Often, the victims of abusive relationships believe that their abuse is their fault, and that if they simply love their partners enough the abuse will stop.This is not true.
This belief is often compounded by the abuser, who may make claims that s/he is “trying” to get better or say that s/he “needs” your help to change.
Remember that each person’s actions are their own choice.
You are not responsible for your partner’s abuse and it is not your responsibility to “fix” your partner.
Abusers may threaten to harm or kill themselves if you leave.
This is manipulation and emotional abuse.
You may feel like you should stay in the relationship to keep this from happening, but it isn’t your responsibility., Abusive people blame others for their feelings and their actions.
They will force you to take responsibility for how they treat you even though it is not your responsibility to control them.
An abuser will try to make you feel guilty when you don’t give him/her what s/he wants.
For example, an abuser might say “You’re making me so angry I can’t control myself” or “I can’t help feeling jealous because I love you so much.” The abuser will try to manipulate you into doing what s/he wants by pushing responsibility onto you: “When you don’t do what I want I get crazy” or “I’ll kill myself if you don’t do what I want to do.” , Abusive relationships do not.
The abusive partner is often extremely jealous and controlling.
Consider whether you are able to do the following:
Spend time on your own, without your partner.
People in abusive relationships are often tightly controlled by their partners.
Abusers usually do not want their partners to be on their own at any time.
They may monitor their partners’ time and activities closely.
They may refuse to allow you to be on your own, saying they “love you too much” to be away from you.Spend time with friends.
Abusive partners will often isolate their victims from others.
The abused partner is not “allowed” to have friends or even see family or coworkers without getting permission from the abuser.
The abuser may say s/he is “jealous” of others’ attention and doesn’t want you to be around anyone but him/her.Be out and about without reporting back to your partner.
Abusive partners often “check up” on their partners.
Abused partners often feel like they have to “report” on their activities and routines.
Use technology.
An abusive partner may use technology to control you.
You may not feel free to have your own email or social media accounts.
Your partner may send you threatening messages or attempt to blackmail you.
S/he may demand your online passwords and monitor your technology use.
S/he may insist that you answer your cellphone whenever s/he calls you, and may demand to “inspect” your phone to see who else you are contacting., Abusive partners may tightly control the household finances.
They may take money that you earn, refuse to give you money for expenses, or require you to “earn” money from them by doing something for them.
All of these actions are designed to keep you dependent on the abuser so you cannot leave.Other types of economic abuse include forbidding you from attending school or getting a job.Abusive partners will often refuse debit or credit cards to their partners.
They may also take out credit lines in your name.
Even small or reasonable expenses may send them into a rage.Men who are abused in relationships may feel unable to leave the relationship if they make less than their partner., In healthy relationships, partners do not use contempt, name-calling, disrespect, or other abusive language.If you consistently feel humiliated, belittled, threatened, disrespected, or intimidated by your partner, this is a sign that you are in an abusive relationship.Name-calling and other forms of verbal abuse are still abuse.
A partner who calls you “crazy” or “stupid” or “ugly” is abusing you.
Belittling is a very common abusive tactic.
An abusive partner may tell you that you “never do anything right” or will “never find anyone else who loves you.” These kinds of things are meant to keep you feeling dependent on the abuser.Emotional and psychological abuse may happen in public or in front of other people, making it easier for others to identify.
The abused person may stay quiet or appear passive when the abuse is happening.
This doesn’t mean that s/he is “okay” with or “used to” this abuse., All relationships have moments of conflict and times when things don’t seem great.
However, abusive relationships have a particular cycle that repeats over and over again:
An abusive incident.
This is any type of abuse, including emotional, physical, or sexual.
A period of tension.
The abuser may become angry.
S/he may blame the victim for the abusive incident.
The victim will often feel like s/he is “walking on eggshells.” A “make-up” period.
The abusive person may apologize profusely.
S/he will likely promise it will “never happen again.” S/he may also try to minimize or deny that abuse took place, or offer excuses such as “I was just angry.” A period of “good” time.
The abusive person will often behave fairly well for some period of time.
S/he may give you gifts or be nice to you.
S/he may even keep promises made during the make-up period.
However, because the underlying reasons for abuse have not been addressed, this will not last.
Tension will build up again.
Another abusive incident occurs.
About the Author
Jerry Powell
Specializes in breaking down complex home improvement topics into simple steps.
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