How to Maintain a Relationship
Do not try to change your partner., Do not control your partner., Support their interests., Don't minimize your partner's emotions.
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Do not try to change your partner.
Accept that you can only change yourself, not your partner .
This is perhaps the hardest but most important tenet of a solid relationship.
You should never enter a relationship with the plan to "fix" your partner.
You need to accept the fact that your partner may never change, and be okay with that.
To do otherwise is a guaranteed way to frustrate yourself and alienate your partner.
You may support your partner to make positive changes in their life.
But you should never try or need to fundamentally change them.
If you cannot accept your partner for who they are, you either need to set boundaries to avoid getting hurt or leave the relationship entirely.
Understand that men and women are different .
Or for that matter understand that different men and different women are different.
Do not unfairly hold your partner up to the standards of an old relationship or of an ideal one. -
Step 2: Do not control your partner.
We all know that violence is not an acceptable way to control partner.
But know that using guilt or shame is just as damaging.
Guilting or shaming to control your partner is emotional abuse.
Do not attempt to control your partner.
This is an extension of "Do not try to change your partner" step.
If you cannot handle compromise then leave the relationship, do not try to control or change your partner to make it work. , You do not have to share your partner's every hobby.
But you should listen to your partner when they talk about their interests, and give them guilt-free time and space to pursue their interests. , While not every emotion is desirable (for example anger, resentment, and frustration), they are all normal.
If your partner is angry at something, do not criticize them for being angry
-- that cannot be helped.
What people are responsible for is how they express their emotions.
Anger can be destructive or constructive.
You may rightly criticize how emotions are expressed and ask that they be shared in a constructive fashion, but do not critique the emotion itself.
Critiquing emotions can lead to your partner feeling guilty, defensive and emotionally withdrawn.
A destructive expression of anger is to yell and throw things.
A constructive expression of anger is to talk about one's anger feelings and reach a conclusion.
Example:
Do not say "Don't be mad" or "You shouldn't be mad".
Telling your partner not to feel something is futile and hinders further communication.
Your partner cannot help but be mad.
Instead say, "I understand you are angry.
Can you tell me calmly why?" and work together through dialogue to get to the root of the problem and come to an agreeable solution. -
Step 3: Support their interests.
-
Step 4: Don't minimize your partner's emotions.
Detailed Guide
Accept that you can only change yourself, not your partner .
This is perhaps the hardest but most important tenet of a solid relationship.
You should never enter a relationship with the plan to "fix" your partner.
You need to accept the fact that your partner may never change, and be okay with that.
To do otherwise is a guaranteed way to frustrate yourself and alienate your partner.
You may support your partner to make positive changes in their life.
But you should never try or need to fundamentally change them.
If you cannot accept your partner for who they are, you either need to set boundaries to avoid getting hurt or leave the relationship entirely.
Understand that men and women are different .
Or for that matter understand that different men and different women are different.
Do not unfairly hold your partner up to the standards of an old relationship or of an ideal one.
We all know that violence is not an acceptable way to control partner.
But know that using guilt or shame is just as damaging.
Guilting or shaming to control your partner is emotional abuse.
Do not attempt to control your partner.
This is an extension of "Do not try to change your partner" step.
If you cannot handle compromise then leave the relationship, do not try to control or change your partner to make it work. , You do not have to share your partner's every hobby.
But you should listen to your partner when they talk about their interests, and give them guilt-free time and space to pursue their interests. , While not every emotion is desirable (for example anger, resentment, and frustration), they are all normal.
If your partner is angry at something, do not criticize them for being angry
-- that cannot be helped.
What people are responsible for is how they express their emotions.
Anger can be destructive or constructive.
You may rightly criticize how emotions are expressed and ask that they be shared in a constructive fashion, but do not critique the emotion itself.
Critiquing emotions can lead to your partner feeling guilty, defensive and emotionally withdrawn.
A destructive expression of anger is to yell and throw things.
A constructive expression of anger is to talk about one's anger feelings and reach a conclusion.
Example:
Do not say "Don't be mad" or "You shouldn't be mad".
Telling your partner not to feel something is futile and hinders further communication.
Your partner cannot help but be mad.
Instead say, "I understand you are angry.
Can you tell me calmly why?" and work together through dialogue to get to the root of the problem and come to an agreeable solution.
About the Author
Elizabeth Graham
Writer and educator with a focus on practical hobbies knowledge.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: