How to Stay Out of an Argument

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Ask yourself these 4 questions: Is the matter important enough to warrant an argument?

   Is it appropriate to argue about the matter, or at this time? Can anything be changed, made different by prevailing in the argument? Is the issue worth arguing about? If you get a NO answer to any of these questions, there is no point in arguing.
   
   Sometimes realizing there is no benefit to arguing is enough to eliminate the temptation to argue. (A mnemonic for this is "I AM Worth it.")
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   Step 2: If you often argue with a person

   Plan a short conversation, with a specified stopping time.
   
   You don't need to tell the other person.
   
   Plan to enjoy a reward if you make it through your conversation without falling into an argument.
   
   Plan a (mild) punishment if you don't.
   
   Go into the conversation focused on your goal of maintaining your composure.
   
   Whenever any difficulties arise, remind yourself of your goal and the punishment if you fail to meet your target.
   
   Give yourself permission to withdraw early if you feel heat. , A good mutual discussion involves both sides listening and attempting to understand each other. , These are the things that typically set you off: someone saying "I hate you!"
   
   swear words, slamming doors, obscene gestures, attacking your beliefs, someone rolling their eyes at you, etc. , If they really want to win an argument, they'll push 'em, too.
   
   When you recognize someone approaching your buttons, think to yourself, "Ah-hah! This is becoming an argument!"
   
   If you can, add: "I'll be glad to talk with you when we can both be calm."
   
   or "Well, I don't love you."
   
   , Remember, they're TRYING to push your buttons.
   
   They may even say something like "You're so stupid you can only come up with that to say."
   
   ,
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   Step 3: plan and practice staying calm.

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   Step 4: Learn to recognize when a discussion is no longer a discussion

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   Step 5: but is escalating to an argument: Raised voices

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   Step 6: flushed face or neck

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   Step 7: hairs on the back of your neck stand up

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   Step 8: feeling defensive.

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   Step 9: Identify your "buttons".

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    Step 10: Know that others know where to find your buttons.

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    Step 11: Say these words in the calmest tone of voice you can muster: "I love"

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    Step 12: "I care about"

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    Step 13: or "I respect" you too much to argue with you."

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    Step 14: Prepare yourself for weird looks (the same ones they usually give you behind your back) and another attempt to keep the arguing going... like "That's not true!"

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    Step 15: Repeat step 4.

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    Step 16: Try not to listen too much to the content of what they're saying back to you.

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    Step 17: Continue repeating step 4 until the other person walks away or shuts up.

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    Step 18: If warranted

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    Step 19: when both of you ARE calm

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    Step 20: ask if this is a good time to finish your discussion.

Detailed Guide

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