How to Stop Loving Someone
Reduce contact., List flaws and problems., Make it a point to notice others., Give it time and move ahead.
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Reduce contact.
If you can manage it, cut off all contact with the object of your affections.
This doesn't mean “do it if you feel like it;” rather, it means “do it if you can manage to do it without making things harder elsewhere in your life.” If you work alongside your unrequited love, for example, flatly refusing to communicate with him or her is only going to make things worse at work.
Just do as much as you reasonably can.
Stop calling, e-mailing, texting, or otherwise reaching out to your love.
If he or she contacts you, either don't respond, or politely decline any offer to converse or spend time together.
This will help put distance between you quickly, which you'll need in order to begin seeing past your feelings.
Have excuses on hand to decline offers to spend time together.
If you see your love in person on a regular basis, you may be invited out, for example to get a drink after work with other coworkers.
Decline these offers by explaining that you're too tired or too busy, whether you really are or not.
Again, the goal is to increase the space between the two of you.
Eventually, if you never hang out, the other person will stop asking. -
Step 2: List flaws and problems.
Once you're in less contact with the person you love, cement your new distance by examining reasons a relationship would never have worked out anyway.
Start with the obvious one: the person you love doesn't love you back.
No amount of convincing could have ever changed that; emotion trumps reason when it comes to love and romance.
From there, add more reasons.
Focus on potential problems with the relationship first.
Think about awkwardness with mutual friends, relatives, and coworkers.
Write down mundane things like schedule conflicts as well; think about friends your love has that you dislike, and then imagine having to spend a lot more time around them.
Add flaws to fill out the list.
It's tempting to just list your own flaws, but now's not the time: that's tantamount to beating yourself up over something that never happened to begin with.
Instead, think critically about the person you love.
This is difficult, but it's good practice.
Think about annoying habits, views you disagree on, and times when you were disappointed by his or her words or actions. , Now that you're not spending leisure time around your unrequited love, it's important to begin noticing how many other attractive people there are all around you.
It's true that you're unlikely to feel a spark with most of them, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate a pleasant voice, a nice butt, or a great conversation for what it is.
Make a conscious effort to focus on the attractive qualities of others you see and meet.
Before long, you'll find that there's plenty of room in your heart for new crushes.
Don't worry about finding someone else to fall for just yet.
At this point, just prove to yourself that you can have eyes for others, instead of one who doesn't deserves you. , Unfulfilled dreams of romance have a funny way of drying up and blowing away when you stop feeding them.
However, getting to that point takes time.
Stick with your plan: make room for others, stay away from the person you fell for, and remind yourself of flaws and problems when you're feeling weak.
One day you'll wake up and realize that it no longer breaks your heart to think about what could have been, and you're looking forward to a new adventure instead.
It's likely that, in the absence of an actual relationship with the person you loved, you'll eventually look back and realize you never loved them at all – you were just intensely attracted.
It's hard to really, truly love someone when it's all one-sided.
Take comfort in this fact as you work on getting to the point where you can acknowledge it for yourself. -
Step 3: Make it a point to notice others.
-
Step 4: Give it time and move ahead.
Detailed Guide
If you can manage it, cut off all contact with the object of your affections.
This doesn't mean “do it if you feel like it;” rather, it means “do it if you can manage to do it without making things harder elsewhere in your life.” If you work alongside your unrequited love, for example, flatly refusing to communicate with him or her is only going to make things worse at work.
Just do as much as you reasonably can.
Stop calling, e-mailing, texting, or otherwise reaching out to your love.
If he or she contacts you, either don't respond, or politely decline any offer to converse or spend time together.
This will help put distance between you quickly, which you'll need in order to begin seeing past your feelings.
Have excuses on hand to decline offers to spend time together.
If you see your love in person on a regular basis, you may be invited out, for example to get a drink after work with other coworkers.
Decline these offers by explaining that you're too tired or too busy, whether you really are or not.
Again, the goal is to increase the space between the two of you.
Eventually, if you never hang out, the other person will stop asking.
Once you're in less contact with the person you love, cement your new distance by examining reasons a relationship would never have worked out anyway.
Start with the obvious one: the person you love doesn't love you back.
No amount of convincing could have ever changed that; emotion trumps reason when it comes to love and romance.
From there, add more reasons.
Focus on potential problems with the relationship first.
Think about awkwardness with mutual friends, relatives, and coworkers.
Write down mundane things like schedule conflicts as well; think about friends your love has that you dislike, and then imagine having to spend a lot more time around them.
Add flaws to fill out the list.
It's tempting to just list your own flaws, but now's not the time: that's tantamount to beating yourself up over something that never happened to begin with.
Instead, think critically about the person you love.
This is difficult, but it's good practice.
Think about annoying habits, views you disagree on, and times when you were disappointed by his or her words or actions. , Now that you're not spending leisure time around your unrequited love, it's important to begin noticing how many other attractive people there are all around you.
It's true that you're unlikely to feel a spark with most of them, but that doesn't mean you can't appreciate a pleasant voice, a nice butt, or a great conversation for what it is.
Make a conscious effort to focus on the attractive qualities of others you see and meet.
Before long, you'll find that there's plenty of room in your heart for new crushes.
Don't worry about finding someone else to fall for just yet.
At this point, just prove to yourself that you can have eyes for others, instead of one who doesn't deserves you. , Unfulfilled dreams of romance have a funny way of drying up and blowing away when you stop feeding them.
However, getting to that point takes time.
Stick with your plan: make room for others, stay away from the person you fell for, and remind yourself of flaws and problems when you're feeling weak.
One day you'll wake up and realize that it no longer breaks your heart to think about what could have been, and you're looking forward to a new adventure instead.
It's likely that, in the absence of an actual relationship with the person you loved, you'll eventually look back and realize you never loved them at all – you were just intensely attracted.
It's hard to really, truly love someone when it's all one-sided.
Take comfort in this fact as you work on getting to the point where you can acknowledge it for yourself.
About the Author
Laura Sullivan
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in organization and beyond.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: