How to Handle Chronic Complainers
Avoid trying to convince a complainer that things aren't as bad as they seem., Fake sympathy and redirect them to what they should do., Try not to come up with solutions to their problem., Ask them whether they thought of possible solutions to their...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Avoid trying to convince a complainer that things aren't as bad as they seem.
No matter what you say or do, the chronic complainer won't cheer up.
Trying to convince them to think positively will only lead them to complain more to counteract your optimism.Coming up with encouraging propositions like "Time heal all wounds" or "You're going to be fine" is only a waste of energy and will not stop their complaining.This is technically known as "a polar response": their automatic reaction is to highlight the opposite of what you just said.
Think of all the times when your saying "It's not that bad" was met with a "Well, it is!"
followed by a countless number of reasons why it is. -
Step 2: Fake sympathy and redirect them to what they should do.
A complainer is really after sympathy, not solutions.
Giving them what they want (a person who "truly gets how bad the situation is") will curb their attitude if not stop the complaining.
However, make sure your expression of sympathy is followed by an active encouragement to get back to the task at hand "That must have been horrible for you! However, we need to get back to work now, otherwise we'll be late." Don’t be sarcastic when you express sympathy.
Try to make it sound as sincere as possible.A good way of expressing sympathy without agreeing is to say "This must be a huge problem for you." This remark doesn't acknowledge the fact that their problem is objectively a huge problem for you or the whole of humanity.
It probably isn't.
However, it does show you sympathize with how bad they think it is. , This will make them dependent on you and persuade them to come back to you whenever they need a quick solution to their problems, or a punching bag to take out their negativity on.
It's easy to fall into the temptation of putting an end to the complaint by suggesting a solution.
However, keep in mind that solutions are not really what they're after.
Seeing hardship in every situation is part of a chronic complainer's identity: resourcefulness will be perceived as a threat to who they are and lead them to another outpour of negativity to bolster their sense of self., Instead of giving them solutions, asking something along the line of "That must be really hard for you! Do you have any solution in mind?" will break the flow of complaints and help them embrace a problem-solving approach.Because complaining is an essential identity-defining factor of a chronic complainer's personality, encouraging them to find solutions themselves won't necessarily change their attitude.
However, it will stop the complaints because what you're asking of them is not another reason why all is bad, but whether they thought of how to change this.
A possible negative answer to this question would be "There is no solution!" If that happens, explain briefly that complaining won't solve the problem either: "Well, complaining won't make it any better.
It will just make you feel worse about something you can't change anyway."
Although complaints coming from a chronic complainer are usually false alarms, there are instances in which the complaint is legitimate and might require your help in finding a solution to a real problem.
In this case only, your advice could actually put an end to the complaint.You'll have to use your judgment and personal knowledge of the chronic complainer to determine which complaints are legitimate and which are only expressions of generalized negativity.
Chances are that the complaint, when it is real, will be phrased differently or accompanied by deeper concern. -
Step 3: Try not to come up with solutions to their problem.
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Step 4: Ask them whether they thought of possible solutions to their problems.
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Step 5: Make a distinction between chronic and authentic complaints.
Detailed Guide
No matter what you say or do, the chronic complainer won't cheer up.
Trying to convince them to think positively will only lead them to complain more to counteract your optimism.Coming up with encouraging propositions like "Time heal all wounds" or "You're going to be fine" is only a waste of energy and will not stop their complaining.This is technically known as "a polar response": their automatic reaction is to highlight the opposite of what you just said.
Think of all the times when your saying "It's not that bad" was met with a "Well, it is!"
followed by a countless number of reasons why it is.
A complainer is really after sympathy, not solutions.
Giving them what they want (a person who "truly gets how bad the situation is") will curb their attitude if not stop the complaining.
However, make sure your expression of sympathy is followed by an active encouragement to get back to the task at hand "That must have been horrible for you! However, we need to get back to work now, otherwise we'll be late." Don’t be sarcastic when you express sympathy.
Try to make it sound as sincere as possible.A good way of expressing sympathy without agreeing is to say "This must be a huge problem for you." This remark doesn't acknowledge the fact that their problem is objectively a huge problem for you or the whole of humanity.
It probably isn't.
However, it does show you sympathize with how bad they think it is. , This will make them dependent on you and persuade them to come back to you whenever they need a quick solution to their problems, or a punching bag to take out their negativity on.
It's easy to fall into the temptation of putting an end to the complaint by suggesting a solution.
However, keep in mind that solutions are not really what they're after.
Seeing hardship in every situation is part of a chronic complainer's identity: resourcefulness will be perceived as a threat to who they are and lead them to another outpour of negativity to bolster their sense of self., Instead of giving them solutions, asking something along the line of "That must be really hard for you! Do you have any solution in mind?" will break the flow of complaints and help them embrace a problem-solving approach.Because complaining is an essential identity-defining factor of a chronic complainer's personality, encouraging them to find solutions themselves won't necessarily change their attitude.
However, it will stop the complaints because what you're asking of them is not another reason why all is bad, but whether they thought of how to change this.
A possible negative answer to this question would be "There is no solution!" If that happens, explain briefly that complaining won't solve the problem either: "Well, complaining won't make it any better.
It will just make you feel worse about something you can't change anyway."
Although complaints coming from a chronic complainer are usually false alarms, there are instances in which the complaint is legitimate and might require your help in finding a solution to a real problem.
In this case only, your advice could actually put an end to the complaint.You'll have to use your judgment and personal knowledge of the chronic complainer to determine which complaints are legitimate and which are only expressions of generalized negativity.
Chances are that the complaint, when it is real, will be phrased differently or accompanied by deeper concern.
About the Author
Marie West
Committed to making creative arts accessible and understandable for everyone.
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