How to Deal With a Controlling Mother
Think clearly about what's bothering you., Request that your mom meet you in a neutral environment., Use "I" statements during your talk., Be gentle., Learn to stand your ground., Bend -- a little.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Think clearly about what's bothering you.
Make a list of all the things you want to discuss with her.
In what areas does your mother's controlling become too much? Your appearance? Your career choices? Your relationships? Your children? If your list is really long, try to condense it and focus on the things that get under your skin the most.
Preparing to discuss your mother's control problem is a smart idea in order to easily present your argument and minimize any unnecessary hurt feelings.
Plus, the earlier you confront your mother, the better.
Overbearing parents can create trouble in future relationships and be a detriment to your problem-solving abilities.If you think it will help, practice in the mirror what you think you will say, or have a friend or partner act the scenario out with you. -
Step 2: Request that your mom meet you in a neutral environment.
A controlling mother can swiftly guilt-trip you or take over a discussion if she is in comfortable territory.
Meet in a public place so that the discussion feels formal, and so that both you and your mother have no choice but to keep your tempers on a leash.Suggested locations to have this talk can be at a restaurant over lunch, at a coffee shop, or on a park bench.
Avoid talking while driving or over the phone.
A face-to-face conversation is a must.
Be sure to give your mom a heads up as to why the two of you are meeting.
Don't blindside her with a serious discussion.
Let her know that you have some things on your mind you would like to talk to her about. , Psychologists and interpersonal communications experts say that using this form of communication is less likely to make a person defensive and more likely to persuade them to cooperate.Say things like, "I feel like you are controlling me when you tell me how to dress or how my hair should look.
In the future, could you be more mindful that I have different tastes than you?" instead of "You make me upset when you keep bugging me about my hair or clothing choices." By using the "I" statement, you are taking ownership for your feelings rather than presenting them as though they are entirely your mother's fault.
This tactic can make her more empathetic to your situation. , If your mother tries to control your life all the time, you may get very upset.
Still, keep in mind that she is your mother, so try to be easy on her and not bash all her parenting skills.
It's highly possible that she is not even aware of her behavior, and once you point the problem out to her she will be willing to adjust her controlling attitude.
Another tactic to minimize her hurt feelings is by using the "sandwich method".
This is a form of constructive criticism in which a critical statement is sandwiched between two complimentary statements.One suggestion for an adult with a controlling mother might look like this: "Mom, you have been very helpful with the new baby.
But, and I feel like you are not respecting our parenting choices.
With a few adjustments, I feel like we will all get along really well."
It's important to pick and choose your battles with your mother.
In some cases, her voicing her opinion about this or that is virtually harmless.
However, when the two of your are at odds about an important matter, you need to assert yourself.With important topics such as choosing a college major or taking a job, assert your opinion and remind her that the decision will ultimately affect you the most.
Demonstrate confidence in your decisions, and she will respect your voice more.
Do your research and provide a list of pros and cons about your choice.
Doing so will impress her and show her that you are not making any decisions impulsively, but thinking things over to decide what's best. , This may be the last thing you want to hear, but learning to pick your battles also means, at some point, you will actually take your mother's advice.
Remember, that you only want to bend on issues that aren't huge decisions affecting your future.
By giving in on some occasions, you are more likely to earn credit with your mother.
Therefore, during times when you are firm on your decision, you can subtly remind her that you took her advice on other matters but you really want to be the one who makes the choice on the current one.
Your attitude also could make a major difference in how controlling your mom is in your life.
Bend a little by expressing your gratitude for thoughtful solutions and suggestions she has given you in the past.
This method will demonstrate to your mom that you are at least listening to her point-of-view, even if your final decision is your own and not hers. -
Step 3: Use "I" statements during your talk.
-
Step 4: Be gentle.
-
Step 5: Learn to stand your ground.
-
Step 6: Bend -- a little.
Detailed Guide
Make a list of all the things you want to discuss with her.
In what areas does your mother's controlling become too much? Your appearance? Your career choices? Your relationships? Your children? If your list is really long, try to condense it and focus on the things that get under your skin the most.
Preparing to discuss your mother's control problem is a smart idea in order to easily present your argument and minimize any unnecessary hurt feelings.
Plus, the earlier you confront your mother, the better.
Overbearing parents can create trouble in future relationships and be a detriment to your problem-solving abilities.If you think it will help, practice in the mirror what you think you will say, or have a friend or partner act the scenario out with you.
A controlling mother can swiftly guilt-trip you or take over a discussion if she is in comfortable territory.
Meet in a public place so that the discussion feels formal, and so that both you and your mother have no choice but to keep your tempers on a leash.Suggested locations to have this talk can be at a restaurant over lunch, at a coffee shop, or on a park bench.
Avoid talking while driving or over the phone.
A face-to-face conversation is a must.
Be sure to give your mom a heads up as to why the two of you are meeting.
Don't blindside her with a serious discussion.
Let her know that you have some things on your mind you would like to talk to her about. , Psychologists and interpersonal communications experts say that using this form of communication is less likely to make a person defensive and more likely to persuade them to cooperate.Say things like, "I feel like you are controlling me when you tell me how to dress or how my hair should look.
In the future, could you be more mindful that I have different tastes than you?" instead of "You make me upset when you keep bugging me about my hair or clothing choices." By using the "I" statement, you are taking ownership for your feelings rather than presenting them as though they are entirely your mother's fault.
This tactic can make her more empathetic to your situation. , If your mother tries to control your life all the time, you may get very upset.
Still, keep in mind that she is your mother, so try to be easy on her and not bash all her parenting skills.
It's highly possible that she is not even aware of her behavior, and once you point the problem out to her she will be willing to adjust her controlling attitude.
Another tactic to minimize her hurt feelings is by using the "sandwich method".
This is a form of constructive criticism in which a critical statement is sandwiched between two complimentary statements.One suggestion for an adult with a controlling mother might look like this: "Mom, you have been very helpful with the new baby.
But, and I feel like you are not respecting our parenting choices.
With a few adjustments, I feel like we will all get along really well."
It's important to pick and choose your battles with your mother.
In some cases, her voicing her opinion about this or that is virtually harmless.
However, when the two of your are at odds about an important matter, you need to assert yourself.With important topics such as choosing a college major or taking a job, assert your opinion and remind her that the decision will ultimately affect you the most.
Demonstrate confidence in your decisions, and she will respect your voice more.
Do your research and provide a list of pros and cons about your choice.
Doing so will impress her and show her that you are not making any decisions impulsively, but thinking things over to decide what's best. , This may be the last thing you want to hear, but learning to pick your battles also means, at some point, you will actually take your mother's advice.
Remember, that you only want to bend on issues that aren't huge decisions affecting your future.
By giving in on some occasions, you are more likely to earn credit with your mother.
Therefore, during times when you are firm on your decision, you can subtly remind her that you took her advice on other matters but you really want to be the one who makes the choice on the current one.
Your attitude also could make a major difference in how controlling your mom is in your life.
Bend a little by expressing your gratitude for thoughtful solutions and suggestions she has given you in the past.
This method will demonstrate to your mom that you are at least listening to her point-of-view, even if your final decision is your own and not hers.
About the Author
Kenneth Richardson
Kenneth Richardson is an experienced writer with over 13 years of expertise in telecommunications. Passionate about sharing practical knowledge, Kenneth creates easy-to-follow guides that help readers achieve their goals.
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