How to Raise Respectful, Confident Teenagers
Help your children accomplish the most important job of adolescence: breaking away from YOU., Set healthy boundaries., Pick your battles; don’t sweat the small stuff., Don't go it alone., Does your kid know that you are proud of them and believe in...
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Help your children accomplish the most important job of adolescence: breaking away from YOU.
Compliance is not your goal.
Their developmental task is individuation, which means growing up into their own person.
It is normal, healthy and NECESSARY for them to question your values and what you think.
Expect them to disagree—and in fact, celebrate it.
You get to help them navigate this transition—but you can’t do it for them.
So don’t see every conflict as personal.
They need you, but not to keep them contained, but to help them grow.
Your role as a parent is shifting—to that of a coach who equips them to succeed.
In their book Break Through, Tim Clinton and Pat Springle point out, "Effective parents accept changes in the relationship...parents are parenting their children through a transition into adulthood." -
Step 2: Set healthy boundaries.
If your child makes a bad choice, but you rescue him from the consequences, then you don’t have good boundaries.
This is not just about rules, but about refusing to step in and rescue too quickly.
Boundaries say—this is me, and this is you.
If I do something wrong, I’ve got to deal with the fallout.
If you do something wrong, YOU get to suffer the consequences.
Often, the best thing to say to your kids if they make a mistake is “you have a problem.
But I’m sure you can solve it.” NOT: “Oh, no, let me solve your problem for you.” , Too many rules and restrictions, or taking over your kids’ decisions, will backfire.
Don’t become a helicopter parent, especially at this stage of the game.
While strict parenting might control their behavior in the short term, it will stunt their growth.
Think of your teen as an adult in training.
How would you feel if someone told you what your every move should be? Dr.
Tim Clinton, a clinical psychologist, points out in his book Break Through: “Smothering and demanding behavior communicate, ‘I don’t trust you, and I don’t believe you’re competent to make choices without me.’ This produces insecure, angry young men and women who aren’t prepared to make it in the adult world.” , Talk to another parent about what's going on--and you'll realize your kid is normal.
Someone who is less emotionally involved can sometimes help you have a healthy perspective.
Be sure to present a united front with your spouse—don’t let your child play you against each other.
If you're a single parent, find other adults who can support you and also spend time with your kids. , Be sure to tell them that you’re their biggest fan.
Train yourself to look for positive traits, accomplishments and strengths, and TELL your child what you see.
Catch them doing right.
Every day, give them a situation where they can spread their wings, and you can tell them, “I trust you.” Let your child know that you love them—even when you disagree with their actions or opinions.
Try to build them up rather than tear them down.
There’s a right and wrong way to build self esteem in kids.
Tell them you love them and think they're great, but also be sure to praise specific things they DO.
As Clinton and Springle point out, "every kid needs at least one person who is crazy about them!" And if that person is their mom or dad, that kid is going to be confident about themselves. , Allow them to make mistakes, don’t rescue them from the consequences of their behavior.
As Stephen Covey says, “begin with the end in mind.” And the “end” goal of parenting is your child’s independence.
Although it’s hard to let go, you don’t want them to remain dependent on you forever.
When you’re tempted to cling or control, bring to mind a picture of your child at age
40.
Is he or she sleeping on your couch? Yikes! On the journey toward independence, mistakes are part of the learning process.
Remember when your child was a baby just learning to walk? You didn’t expect them to walk without falling the first time they tried it as a baby.
Nor did you say, the first time they landed on their diapered bottom, “Okay, that’s it—walking is too dangerous, you’re just not ready.
I’m going to carry you for the next few years.” But that’s what some parents do by not letting their teens make some mistakes.
Sure, there’s more at stake—but ultimately, that greater risk will lead to a greater reward: an independent, functioning adult! -
Step 3: Pick your battles; don’t sweat the small stuff.
-
Step 4: Don't go it alone.
-
Step 5: Does your kid know that you are proud of them and believe in them?
-
Step 6: Don’t smother.
Detailed Guide
Compliance is not your goal.
Their developmental task is individuation, which means growing up into their own person.
It is normal, healthy and NECESSARY for them to question your values and what you think.
Expect them to disagree—and in fact, celebrate it.
You get to help them navigate this transition—but you can’t do it for them.
So don’t see every conflict as personal.
They need you, but not to keep them contained, but to help them grow.
Your role as a parent is shifting—to that of a coach who equips them to succeed.
In their book Break Through, Tim Clinton and Pat Springle point out, "Effective parents accept changes in the relationship...parents are parenting their children through a transition into adulthood."
If your child makes a bad choice, but you rescue him from the consequences, then you don’t have good boundaries.
This is not just about rules, but about refusing to step in and rescue too quickly.
Boundaries say—this is me, and this is you.
If I do something wrong, I’ve got to deal with the fallout.
If you do something wrong, YOU get to suffer the consequences.
Often, the best thing to say to your kids if they make a mistake is “you have a problem.
But I’m sure you can solve it.” NOT: “Oh, no, let me solve your problem for you.” , Too many rules and restrictions, or taking over your kids’ decisions, will backfire.
Don’t become a helicopter parent, especially at this stage of the game.
While strict parenting might control their behavior in the short term, it will stunt their growth.
Think of your teen as an adult in training.
How would you feel if someone told you what your every move should be? Dr.
Tim Clinton, a clinical psychologist, points out in his book Break Through: “Smothering and demanding behavior communicate, ‘I don’t trust you, and I don’t believe you’re competent to make choices without me.’ This produces insecure, angry young men and women who aren’t prepared to make it in the adult world.” , Talk to another parent about what's going on--and you'll realize your kid is normal.
Someone who is less emotionally involved can sometimes help you have a healthy perspective.
Be sure to present a united front with your spouse—don’t let your child play you against each other.
If you're a single parent, find other adults who can support you and also spend time with your kids. , Be sure to tell them that you’re their biggest fan.
Train yourself to look for positive traits, accomplishments and strengths, and TELL your child what you see.
Catch them doing right.
Every day, give them a situation where they can spread their wings, and you can tell them, “I trust you.” Let your child know that you love them—even when you disagree with their actions or opinions.
Try to build them up rather than tear them down.
There’s a right and wrong way to build self esteem in kids.
Tell them you love them and think they're great, but also be sure to praise specific things they DO.
As Clinton and Springle point out, "every kid needs at least one person who is crazy about them!" And if that person is their mom or dad, that kid is going to be confident about themselves. , Allow them to make mistakes, don’t rescue them from the consequences of their behavior.
As Stephen Covey says, “begin with the end in mind.” And the “end” goal of parenting is your child’s independence.
Although it’s hard to let go, you don’t want them to remain dependent on you forever.
When you’re tempted to cling or control, bring to mind a picture of your child at age
40.
Is he or she sleeping on your couch? Yikes! On the journey toward independence, mistakes are part of the learning process.
Remember when your child was a baby just learning to walk? You didn’t expect them to walk without falling the first time they tried it as a baby.
Nor did you say, the first time they landed on their diapered bottom, “Okay, that’s it—walking is too dangerous, you’re just not ready.
I’m going to carry you for the next few years.” But that’s what some parents do by not letting their teens make some mistakes.
Sure, there’s more at stake—but ultimately, that greater risk will lead to a greater reward: an independent, functioning adult!
About the Author
Charlotte Hernandez
With a background in businessservices, Charlotte Hernandez brings 1 years of hands-on experience to every article. Charlotte believes in making complex topics accessible to everyone.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: