How to Deal With Transphobia
Ensure your safety., Question day-to-day assumptions., Shut down prying questions., Talk about pronouns., Challenge jokes or remarks., Make requests., Ask people to respect your name., Request confidentiality., Explain how comments hurt you...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Ensure your safety.
If at any point you feel threatened by someone, get help.
Go to someone you trust and go somewhere you feel safe, like a friend’s house or an LGBT community center.
If you think someone might cause you harm, do something.
For example, you can send a text or make a phone call to someone you trust.
If necessary, call the police.
If someone is harassing you, you can file a restraining order. -
Step 2: Question day-to-day assumptions.
If someone makes you feel odd, unusual, or marginal, considering questioning the assumptions they are making.
If someone refers to your childhood "as a boy," for example, and you have always identified as a girl, correct them.
If someone says that you are a boy "with girl parts," inform them that your genitalia is male, like the rest of you.
Ask them why a particular body part is "female," exactly.
Again, it is not your responsibility to make people think, but when you feel comfortable doing so, planting that seed may lead people to change their views down the line. , Some people think it’s okay to ask about your private parts, surgery, or other very personal questions.
Let them know that these are personal questions and not something you talk about casually.
If someone asks about something personal, say, “That’s private information” or, “I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about that.”You can also say, “Sex is a private matter.
Let’s respect each other’s privacy.” , If people are confused about how to refer to you, make it clear.
Decide which pronoun you feel most comfortable with and introduce it to those around you.
When you introduce yourself, state your preferred pronoun.
For example, say, “Hi, I’m Chris and I like to be referred to as ‘he’ and ‘him.’“If someone isn’t respecting your chosen pronoun, gently speak to them about it.
Say, “I understand this makes you uncomfortable, but I identify this way.
Please respect my wishes.” , Often, an insult can be reversed to make a person question their worldview and transphobic stance.
If you're an outgoing person or enjoy using humor, you can make someone who is insulting you feel pretty silly.
For example, if someone questions your gender identity, you might say "So, when did you realize that you were a man/woman/boy/girl?" If someone makes a comment about "checking" your genitalia, you might reply dryly, "Can I check yours?" It's not your responsibility to have the confidence to make jokes like this, but if you do, they can be a helpful way to combat insults and making fun of trans people at others' expense.
Let them know that it’s not okay to joke about.If you want to be serious yet still get your point across, say, “Don’t joke about that” or, “I find that comment hurtful.” , Let people know what you’d like and need.
You can’t demand people to treat you differently, so make requests and ask that they respect your changes.
There are specific people you should speak to, especially regarding big changes.
For example, go to your employer and let them know any changes you need in the office.
You might need a new name placard or to send out an email letting your coworkers know to refer to you differently.
When speaking to friends and family, be clear in stating what you need from them.
For example, you might say, “I would like to be referred to as “he” and “him” now.” When dealing with professional changes, be succinct and don’t feel the need to go into detail.
Say, “I’ve made some changes and I want these changes to be reflected at work.” With friends and family, you can choose how much to disclose based on what you feel comfortable sharing.
You may choose to share your process or just let them know your needs. , Making a name change is a big deal.
If you change your name to something you feel fits you better, begin introducing yourself with your new name.
If people struggle in calling you by your chosen name, gently remind them that you’ve changed it.
It can take time for people to adjust to calling you something different.
Be patient, but don’t be afraid to correct them.Say, “I’d appreciate it you call me Danny now” or, “Please change your address book to show my chosen name.” If someone refuses to call you by your chosen name, you might not be able to change their mind.
Let them know how you feel about it.
You might want to pull back from that relationship if they can’t respect your wishes. , If you confide in someone about the changes you’ve made or how you feel, let them if you’d like them to keep it private.
You may not want everyone knowing what your plans are or how you feel about them.
If you want something to stay private, make sure you tell the person that.For example, you can say, “Please don’t share this with anyone.
I don’t want word spreading about me and I’d like my privacy to be respected.” , If you’re willing to share how comments make you feel, do so.
People may not realize how their comments hurt you or affect you.
It can be helpful just to be honest and say what bothers you or makes you feel different or small.
Express your feelings in an open and honest way.If you don’t know how to start talking, begin with, “I feel…” For example, say, “I feel frustrated by your comments.
I don't think you realize how much they affect me.” , It's also crucial to have supportive people in your life to whom you can turn when things get tough.
Whether it's a formal support group or a monthly dinner with a group of friends, finding these people can be a lifesaver when you need friends that you can trust.
Know who will support you and be loving of you no matter what.If people are not supportive, don’t try to change them to find support.
Instead, focus on spending time with people and talking to people who do support you. , Feeling the effects of transphobia can be difficult, especially if you live in a small or unaccepting community.
Look to see if there is an LGBT community near you.
If not, join an online community.
These people can become a sense of support, help you in difficult times, and give advice.Seek support online, especially if you live in an area without social support. , Before anything else, it is important to find supportive friends, allies, family members, coworkers, and/or teachers.
Many people will assume that it is a trans person's job to educate others about trans issues.
However, allies can help you feel supported and can help educate those who make transphobic remarks.Ask your friends and allies to stick up for not only you, but other trans people.
Have them stick up for trans rights and respect in the community and online. , You don't have to deal with harassment, prejudice, and intolerance from professionals.
Seek out doctors who have worked with trans patients before and who understand what's involved in your treatment.
Find a supportive therapist who can help you sort through the emotions transphobia brings up.
The important thing is that you feel safe to talk about anything comfortably. , If you start to feel suicidal, get help immediately.
Talk to someone you trust or call a suicide prevention hotline. get help and don’t feel like you have to go through these feelings alone.
Call emergency services or go to the emergency department for immediate care.The Trans Lifeline is staffed by trans people for trans people in crisis.
If you live in the US, call (877) 565-8860, or in Canada, call (877) 330-6366. , If there’s someone in your life that is rude and hurtful to you and does not want to stop this behavior, consider ending the friendship.
You may want to casually let the friendship go or have a formal “break up.” if the relationship is more negative than positive and causes you grief or distress, it might be time to end it., Occasionally there are good people who make a blunder.
Even friends and loved ones that are accepting may slip on a pronoun or make a crude joke.
Forgive them.
Even with a few slip-ups and oops, if they are candid and sincere in apology, remember that decreasing transphobia won’t happen all at once.
Forgiving people doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did or said, it just means that you’re willing to move on with your love and not stay in anger or resentment toward someone.Forgiveness is a process, so don’t expect to feel great right away.
Hurtful remarks can take time to heal from. , You don't necessarily have to file a lawsuit to keep transphobia from interfering with school, work, housing, or other parts of your life.
Check to see if your city, school, or workplace has a policy against gender identity discrimination and a reporting system in place.
Mediation may also be a less expensive and less troubling way to resolve your claim than going to court.
If you believe you may have a legal claim against an employer, school, or government official, find a lawyer who is experienced working with trans rights or who at least shows an understanding of the issues in the initial consultation. -
Step 3: Shut down prying questions.
-
Step 4: Talk about pronouns.
-
Step 5: Challenge jokes or remarks.
-
Step 6: Make requests.
-
Step 7: Ask people to respect your name.
-
Step 8: Request confidentiality.
-
Step 9: Explain how comments hurt you.
-
Step 10: Surround yourself with friends and family.
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Step 11: Join a support community.
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Step 12: Find allies.
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Step 13: Look for supportive professionals.
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Step 14: Get help if you feel suicidal.
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Step 15: Say goodbye to hurtful people.
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Step 16: Forgive people.
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Step 17: Stand up for your rights when you have a legal claim.
Detailed Guide
If at any point you feel threatened by someone, get help.
Go to someone you trust and go somewhere you feel safe, like a friend’s house or an LGBT community center.
If you think someone might cause you harm, do something.
For example, you can send a text or make a phone call to someone you trust.
If necessary, call the police.
If someone is harassing you, you can file a restraining order.
If someone makes you feel odd, unusual, or marginal, considering questioning the assumptions they are making.
If someone refers to your childhood "as a boy," for example, and you have always identified as a girl, correct them.
If someone says that you are a boy "with girl parts," inform them that your genitalia is male, like the rest of you.
Ask them why a particular body part is "female," exactly.
Again, it is not your responsibility to make people think, but when you feel comfortable doing so, planting that seed may lead people to change their views down the line. , Some people think it’s okay to ask about your private parts, surgery, or other very personal questions.
Let them know that these are personal questions and not something you talk about casually.
If someone asks about something personal, say, “That’s private information” or, “I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about that.”You can also say, “Sex is a private matter.
Let’s respect each other’s privacy.” , If people are confused about how to refer to you, make it clear.
Decide which pronoun you feel most comfortable with and introduce it to those around you.
When you introduce yourself, state your preferred pronoun.
For example, say, “Hi, I’m Chris and I like to be referred to as ‘he’ and ‘him.’“If someone isn’t respecting your chosen pronoun, gently speak to them about it.
Say, “I understand this makes you uncomfortable, but I identify this way.
Please respect my wishes.” , Often, an insult can be reversed to make a person question their worldview and transphobic stance.
If you're an outgoing person or enjoy using humor, you can make someone who is insulting you feel pretty silly.
For example, if someone questions your gender identity, you might say "So, when did you realize that you were a man/woman/boy/girl?" If someone makes a comment about "checking" your genitalia, you might reply dryly, "Can I check yours?" It's not your responsibility to have the confidence to make jokes like this, but if you do, they can be a helpful way to combat insults and making fun of trans people at others' expense.
Let them know that it’s not okay to joke about.If you want to be serious yet still get your point across, say, “Don’t joke about that” or, “I find that comment hurtful.” , Let people know what you’d like and need.
You can’t demand people to treat you differently, so make requests and ask that they respect your changes.
There are specific people you should speak to, especially regarding big changes.
For example, go to your employer and let them know any changes you need in the office.
You might need a new name placard or to send out an email letting your coworkers know to refer to you differently.
When speaking to friends and family, be clear in stating what you need from them.
For example, you might say, “I would like to be referred to as “he” and “him” now.” When dealing with professional changes, be succinct and don’t feel the need to go into detail.
Say, “I’ve made some changes and I want these changes to be reflected at work.” With friends and family, you can choose how much to disclose based on what you feel comfortable sharing.
You may choose to share your process or just let them know your needs. , Making a name change is a big deal.
If you change your name to something you feel fits you better, begin introducing yourself with your new name.
If people struggle in calling you by your chosen name, gently remind them that you’ve changed it.
It can take time for people to adjust to calling you something different.
Be patient, but don’t be afraid to correct them.Say, “I’d appreciate it you call me Danny now” or, “Please change your address book to show my chosen name.” If someone refuses to call you by your chosen name, you might not be able to change their mind.
Let them know how you feel about it.
You might want to pull back from that relationship if they can’t respect your wishes. , If you confide in someone about the changes you’ve made or how you feel, let them if you’d like them to keep it private.
You may not want everyone knowing what your plans are or how you feel about them.
If you want something to stay private, make sure you tell the person that.For example, you can say, “Please don’t share this with anyone.
I don’t want word spreading about me and I’d like my privacy to be respected.” , If you’re willing to share how comments make you feel, do so.
People may not realize how their comments hurt you or affect you.
It can be helpful just to be honest and say what bothers you or makes you feel different or small.
Express your feelings in an open and honest way.If you don’t know how to start talking, begin with, “I feel…” For example, say, “I feel frustrated by your comments.
I don't think you realize how much they affect me.” , It's also crucial to have supportive people in your life to whom you can turn when things get tough.
Whether it's a formal support group or a monthly dinner with a group of friends, finding these people can be a lifesaver when you need friends that you can trust.
Know who will support you and be loving of you no matter what.If people are not supportive, don’t try to change them to find support.
Instead, focus on spending time with people and talking to people who do support you. , Feeling the effects of transphobia can be difficult, especially if you live in a small or unaccepting community.
Look to see if there is an LGBT community near you.
If not, join an online community.
These people can become a sense of support, help you in difficult times, and give advice.Seek support online, especially if you live in an area without social support. , Before anything else, it is important to find supportive friends, allies, family members, coworkers, and/or teachers.
Many people will assume that it is a trans person's job to educate others about trans issues.
However, allies can help you feel supported and can help educate those who make transphobic remarks.Ask your friends and allies to stick up for not only you, but other trans people.
Have them stick up for trans rights and respect in the community and online. , You don't have to deal with harassment, prejudice, and intolerance from professionals.
Seek out doctors who have worked with trans patients before and who understand what's involved in your treatment.
Find a supportive therapist who can help you sort through the emotions transphobia brings up.
The important thing is that you feel safe to talk about anything comfortably. , If you start to feel suicidal, get help immediately.
Talk to someone you trust or call a suicide prevention hotline. get help and don’t feel like you have to go through these feelings alone.
Call emergency services or go to the emergency department for immediate care.The Trans Lifeline is staffed by trans people for trans people in crisis.
If you live in the US, call (877) 565-8860, or in Canada, call (877) 330-6366. , If there’s someone in your life that is rude and hurtful to you and does not want to stop this behavior, consider ending the friendship.
You may want to casually let the friendship go or have a formal “break up.” if the relationship is more negative than positive and causes you grief or distress, it might be time to end it., Occasionally there are good people who make a blunder.
Even friends and loved ones that are accepting may slip on a pronoun or make a crude joke.
Forgive them.
Even with a few slip-ups and oops, if they are candid and sincere in apology, remember that decreasing transphobia won’t happen all at once.
Forgiving people doesn’t mean you have to forget what they did or said, it just means that you’re willing to move on with your love and not stay in anger or resentment toward someone.Forgiveness is a process, so don’t expect to feel great right away.
Hurtful remarks can take time to heal from. , You don't necessarily have to file a lawsuit to keep transphobia from interfering with school, work, housing, or other parts of your life.
Check to see if your city, school, or workplace has a policy against gender identity discrimination and a reporting system in place.
Mediation may also be a less expensive and less troubling way to resolve your claim than going to court.
If you believe you may have a legal claim against an employer, school, or government official, find a lawyer who is experienced working with trans rights or who at least shows an understanding of the issues in the initial consultation.
About the Author
Zachary Cruz
Writer and educator with a focus on practical organization knowledge.
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