How to Apologize After a Heated Argument
Avoid excuses., Listen!, Don’t discount the other person’s feelings., Practice your apology beforehand., Time your apology thoughtfully., Write a letter of apology.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Avoid excuses.
However you choose to apologize, there are a few things you should avoid.
Don’t automatically try to justify your statements or behavior, or try to reiterate why you were right about whatever you were arguing about.
Pay attention to word choice and approach to prevent giving an apology that isn’t actually an apology.Avoid “ifs” and “buts”.
Never start an apology with “I’m sorry if _____.” This makes your apology dependent on something else (and may even imply you think your apology is only necessary because of their feelings).
This is simply not a sincere way to be apologetic.
Don’t say “I’m sorry but_____” either.
An apology like this is making an excuse before an apology is even made.
Don’t try to explain yourself during an apology.
Focused on owning up for what you did or said, the fact that you’re sorry about it, and that you intend to remedy the situation.
Do not attempt to rationalize what had occurred during a heated argument.
Know that if there was a valid reason for the argument and for your role in it, that you should talk about it, but that that conversation ought to be independent of your apology. -
Step 2: Listen!
Though it may seem counter-intuitive, listening may be the most important part of apologizing.
Once you’ve made it clear that you are sorry, allow your loved one to speak and give them your full attention.Don’t allow the potential discomfort of giving an apology to turn into a monologue that you may have to apologize for all over again.
Whenever you’re unsure or whether you should continue speaking, pause.
If your loved one begins to speak, just listen.
Don’t try to anticipate anything the other person is going to say.
They may still be too angry or hurt to receive your apology.
Even if they’re still upset, let them make their point.
If you’re feeling badly after a fight, recognize that the other person is too.
Give them the time and space to articulate their feelings. , Avoid attempting to downplay someone else’s negative feelings.
Similarly, don’t act as though nothing happened.
Acknowledge the feelings that they convey by responding specifically to each feeling they articulate.Use “I”-statements when responding, such as “I understand you’re upset”, “I know I disappointed you”, I realize that I said some hurtful things”.
These statements can stand alone, or be accompanied with another clear “I’m sorry.” Do not attempt to explain yourself when they still have more to say.
Avoid being falsely cheerful, as this may seem insincere or even malicious.
Say something along the lines of “I know you’re upset.
So am I.
When we calm down, let’s talk about it and get through this.” , Apologize for both specific things you said during the argument, and for allowing yourself to get heated in the first place.
Convey they sincerity of your apology by knowing what you’re going to say – and why – ahead of time.Tell yourself, and the person to whom you are apologizing, that you have no agenda that motivates your apology other than healing the damage to your relationship that the argument may have caused.
Choose words and statements that are honest and heart-felt.
Don’t try to be overly-eloquent or too analytical.
Be direct; you might not need to say much.
Ensure that none of your sentiments are framed in an effort to deceive or manipulate your loved one.
Never be duplicitous in conversations that are important to your own or others’ feelings. , Timing is especially important if you want your apology to come across as genuine.
You certainly can’t give a heartfelt apology while you’re still worked up from the argument.Take a moment.
You and your loved one will likely need a while to regroup your thoughts and gain composure.
Avoid rushing into an apology for both your sake and the sake of the person you fought with.
Go somewhere private.
A walk may be your best option; fresh air can help clear the mind and calm you down.
Allow yourself to address your heightened emotions privately. , A letter is a great way to calmly and courteously convey an apology.
Even if you decide to apologize in person, writing a letter before doing so can help you organize your thoughts, express your feelings, and plan exactly what you want to share with your loved one.If you’re not going to see the person with whom you argued for a while, a letter is great way to convey your apology without putting them on the spot, which you risk doing with a phone call.
After you’ve written your letter, reconsider what you’ve written.
Do so either immediately or over the course of a few days, depending on how quickly you want to give an apology.
Right before delivering an apology letter, reread it one last time.
Consider allowing someone you trust to read over the letter to help ensure you haven’t included anything that might be interpreted differently than you intend.
Do not apologize via text or email.
A text is not an appropriate medium with which to have a meaningful conversation.
Emailed apologies may be appropriate for professional apologies, but not for personal apologies to people you know well.
For more specific tips on apologizing, see the LifeGuide Hub on How to Apologize. -
Step 3: Don’t discount the other person’s feelings.
-
Step 4: Practice your apology beforehand.
-
Step 5: Time your apology thoughtfully.
-
Step 6: Write a letter of apology.
Detailed Guide
However you choose to apologize, there are a few things you should avoid.
Don’t automatically try to justify your statements or behavior, or try to reiterate why you were right about whatever you were arguing about.
Pay attention to word choice and approach to prevent giving an apology that isn’t actually an apology.Avoid “ifs” and “buts”.
Never start an apology with “I’m sorry if _____.” This makes your apology dependent on something else (and may even imply you think your apology is only necessary because of their feelings).
This is simply not a sincere way to be apologetic.
Don’t say “I’m sorry but_____” either.
An apology like this is making an excuse before an apology is even made.
Don’t try to explain yourself during an apology.
Focused on owning up for what you did or said, the fact that you’re sorry about it, and that you intend to remedy the situation.
Do not attempt to rationalize what had occurred during a heated argument.
Know that if there was a valid reason for the argument and for your role in it, that you should talk about it, but that that conversation ought to be independent of your apology.
Though it may seem counter-intuitive, listening may be the most important part of apologizing.
Once you’ve made it clear that you are sorry, allow your loved one to speak and give them your full attention.Don’t allow the potential discomfort of giving an apology to turn into a monologue that you may have to apologize for all over again.
Whenever you’re unsure or whether you should continue speaking, pause.
If your loved one begins to speak, just listen.
Don’t try to anticipate anything the other person is going to say.
They may still be too angry or hurt to receive your apology.
Even if they’re still upset, let them make their point.
If you’re feeling badly after a fight, recognize that the other person is too.
Give them the time and space to articulate their feelings. , Avoid attempting to downplay someone else’s negative feelings.
Similarly, don’t act as though nothing happened.
Acknowledge the feelings that they convey by responding specifically to each feeling they articulate.Use “I”-statements when responding, such as “I understand you’re upset”, “I know I disappointed you”, I realize that I said some hurtful things”.
These statements can stand alone, or be accompanied with another clear “I’m sorry.” Do not attempt to explain yourself when they still have more to say.
Avoid being falsely cheerful, as this may seem insincere or even malicious.
Say something along the lines of “I know you’re upset.
So am I.
When we calm down, let’s talk about it and get through this.” , Apologize for both specific things you said during the argument, and for allowing yourself to get heated in the first place.
Convey they sincerity of your apology by knowing what you’re going to say – and why – ahead of time.Tell yourself, and the person to whom you are apologizing, that you have no agenda that motivates your apology other than healing the damage to your relationship that the argument may have caused.
Choose words and statements that are honest and heart-felt.
Don’t try to be overly-eloquent or too analytical.
Be direct; you might not need to say much.
Ensure that none of your sentiments are framed in an effort to deceive or manipulate your loved one.
Never be duplicitous in conversations that are important to your own or others’ feelings. , Timing is especially important if you want your apology to come across as genuine.
You certainly can’t give a heartfelt apology while you’re still worked up from the argument.Take a moment.
You and your loved one will likely need a while to regroup your thoughts and gain composure.
Avoid rushing into an apology for both your sake and the sake of the person you fought with.
Go somewhere private.
A walk may be your best option; fresh air can help clear the mind and calm you down.
Allow yourself to address your heightened emotions privately. , A letter is a great way to calmly and courteously convey an apology.
Even if you decide to apologize in person, writing a letter before doing so can help you organize your thoughts, express your feelings, and plan exactly what you want to share with your loved one.If you’re not going to see the person with whom you argued for a while, a letter is great way to convey your apology without putting them on the spot, which you risk doing with a phone call.
After you’ve written your letter, reconsider what you’ve written.
Do so either immediately or over the course of a few days, depending on how quickly you want to give an apology.
Right before delivering an apology letter, reread it one last time.
Consider allowing someone you trust to read over the letter to help ensure you haven’t included anything that might be interpreted differently than you intend.
Do not apologize via text or email.
A text is not an appropriate medium with which to have a meaningful conversation.
Emailed apologies may be appropriate for professional apologies, but not for personal apologies to people you know well.
For more specific tips on apologizing, see the LifeGuide Hub on How to Apologize.
About the Author
Sarah Rodriguez
Professional writer focused on creating easy-to-follow lifestyle tutorials.
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