How to Deal With Family Members That Dislike Your Spouse
Address the concern as soon as possible., Talk to your family without your spouse present., Advocate for your spouse., Get your family’s point of view., Use “I” language., Avoid nitpicking your family’s behavior.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Address the concern as soon as possible.
If your spouse has complained to you about your family, you want to work to solve the problem as quickly as you can.
Ignoring or delaying addressing the issue can result in a resentful spouse.
Ignoring the problem will make your spouse dislike being around your family even more, and it will also start to impact your relationship.
Let your partner know how and when you plan to address the issue.
For example, you could say, “I’m going to bring this up when my mom and I have lunch next week.” Having a concrete plan of action will ease your spouse’s mind and will hold you accountable to follow through. -
Step 2: Talk to your family without your spouse present.
Bring your concerns to a family member (perhaps one who could share the information with other family members as necessary) on behalf of your spouse.
Your family has more experience in relating to you than your spouse.
You also understand your family’s dynamics better than your spouse, and you have a better idea how to interact with them.Have a conversation with your family member over the phone or in person.
Let them know how your spouse feels.
Listen to your family member’s perspective.
Keep in mind, your family member may have no idea that their behavior has hurt your spouse.
Ask for suggestions on how your family member thinks the situation could improve.
For example, “What do you think we could do to help Carlos feel more included?” , Explain how your spouse views the situation.
Share your spouse’s feelings and give any background information you think is important.
Present a united front and indicate that this is causing you pain as well.
For example, “Lena feels that you don’t like her after you said she wasn’t a good mother for not taking more maternity leave.
She called you out on it, and both of us think you have been cold to her ever since.
Did you know she only got two months of paid leave? It hurts both of us that you said that about her.
It is not true, and we feel it was mean-spirited.” , Find out if there is an issue you might need to address with your partner.
Your spouse may not be an innocent party to this problem, and you may need to confront their behavior and/or encourage an apology.
Ask your family for specific instances where they felt hurt or angered by your spouse’s behavior.
Do not get defensive, just listen and let them know you will talk to your spouse about it.
Bring it up with your spouse privately and decide on a course of action together. , When bringing up frustrations you and your spouse feel with your family, focus the conversation on your emotional reactions to the situation (or your spouse’s).
Your emotions are not able to be disputed--you feel what you feel--but they will become defensive about their behavior.Say you and your spouse are upset about how your spouse was treated at a recent family event.
Instead of saying, “You guys were really rude to Ryan at dinner,” try saying, “Ryan was upset about the dinner conversation.
He felt hurt that he wasn’t included in the conversation, and he felt that you and Mom would talk right over him whenever he tried to speak.” You could say, “It upsets me when I see you not make an effort to include Monica in the conversation” instead of “You don't include Monica.” Avoid “always” or “never.” These are absolutes and very unlikely to be true, and are very likely to escalate an argument.For example, “You’re always telling Lindsey to lose weight,” would be better phrased as, “Lindsey and I can think of several times you have commented on her weight.
The most recent time was last week at the ice cream shop.” Be specific about the upsetting situation.
Say it happened “at Greg’s birthday party and again at the restaurant last week” instead of “it happens all the time.” , If you see an overall pattern of disrespectful behavior or rudeness, for example, it’s okay to call them out.
But one-time oversights and slights may not be worth getting into.
Make a mental note of what you see and determine if it is indicative of a larger pattern.
For example, it’s not worth getting into a fight with your family if they forgot to set an extra place setting at dinner for your spouse one time. “Forgetting” your spouse time and time again, however, is worth bringing up in conversation. -
Step 3: Advocate for your spouse.
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Step 4: Get your family’s point of view.
-
Step 5: Use “I” language.
-
Step 6: Avoid nitpicking your family’s behavior.
Detailed Guide
If your spouse has complained to you about your family, you want to work to solve the problem as quickly as you can.
Ignoring or delaying addressing the issue can result in a resentful spouse.
Ignoring the problem will make your spouse dislike being around your family even more, and it will also start to impact your relationship.
Let your partner know how and when you plan to address the issue.
For example, you could say, “I’m going to bring this up when my mom and I have lunch next week.” Having a concrete plan of action will ease your spouse’s mind and will hold you accountable to follow through.
Bring your concerns to a family member (perhaps one who could share the information with other family members as necessary) on behalf of your spouse.
Your family has more experience in relating to you than your spouse.
You also understand your family’s dynamics better than your spouse, and you have a better idea how to interact with them.Have a conversation with your family member over the phone or in person.
Let them know how your spouse feels.
Listen to your family member’s perspective.
Keep in mind, your family member may have no idea that their behavior has hurt your spouse.
Ask for suggestions on how your family member thinks the situation could improve.
For example, “What do you think we could do to help Carlos feel more included?” , Explain how your spouse views the situation.
Share your spouse’s feelings and give any background information you think is important.
Present a united front and indicate that this is causing you pain as well.
For example, “Lena feels that you don’t like her after you said she wasn’t a good mother for not taking more maternity leave.
She called you out on it, and both of us think you have been cold to her ever since.
Did you know she only got two months of paid leave? It hurts both of us that you said that about her.
It is not true, and we feel it was mean-spirited.” , Find out if there is an issue you might need to address with your partner.
Your spouse may not be an innocent party to this problem, and you may need to confront their behavior and/or encourage an apology.
Ask your family for specific instances where they felt hurt or angered by your spouse’s behavior.
Do not get defensive, just listen and let them know you will talk to your spouse about it.
Bring it up with your spouse privately and decide on a course of action together. , When bringing up frustrations you and your spouse feel with your family, focus the conversation on your emotional reactions to the situation (or your spouse’s).
Your emotions are not able to be disputed--you feel what you feel--but they will become defensive about their behavior.Say you and your spouse are upset about how your spouse was treated at a recent family event.
Instead of saying, “You guys were really rude to Ryan at dinner,” try saying, “Ryan was upset about the dinner conversation.
He felt hurt that he wasn’t included in the conversation, and he felt that you and Mom would talk right over him whenever he tried to speak.” You could say, “It upsets me when I see you not make an effort to include Monica in the conversation” instead of “You don't include Monica.” Avoid “always” or “never.” These are absolutes and very unlikely to be true, and are very likely to escalate an argument.For example, “You’re always telling Lindsey to lose weight,” would be better phrased as, “Lindsey and I can think of several times you have commented on her weight.
The most recent time was last week at the ice cream shop.” Be specific about the upsetting situation.
Say it happened “at Greg’s birthday party and again at the restaurant last week” instead of “it happens all the time.” , If you see an overall pattern of disrespectful behavior or rudeness, for example, it’s okay to call them out.
But one-time oversights and slights may not be worth getting into.
Make a mental note of what you see and determine if it is indicative of a larger pattern.
For example, it’s not worth getting into a fight with your family if they forgot to set an extra place setting at dinner for your spouse one time. “Forgetting” your spouse time and time again, however, is worth bringing up in conversation.
About the Author
Jerry Nguyen
Writer and educator with a focus on practical creative arts knowledge.
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