How to Be Understanding
Bring empathy -- the skill of putting yourself in someone's shoes -- to all of your interactions., Listen actively., Look past first impressions., Recognize that most people are self-centered, not cruel or mean-spirited., Pay attention to body...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Bring empathy -- the skill of putting yourself in someone's shoes -- to all of your interactions.
Empathy is the single most important skill when trying to understand others.
But empathy is a skill, not a talent, meaning it must be practiced to improve.
Every time you meet people, especially those you disagree with, make a point of putting yourself in their shoes.
If you were them, why would you be arguing a particular point or acting a particular way? What things in their life might lead them to their particular point of view? Empathy starts with you
-- when you're in an argument, stop and ask why this moment makes you so passionate.
Is there a good reason to be worked up, or are you simply getting carried away? When trying to understand someone's motivations, just ask. "I never thought of it that way, what makes you think that?" is a great way to move towards mutual understanding. -
Step 2: Listen actively.
Listening to someone talk is a vital part of understanding them, but to truly be understanding you need to be an active listener.
This means you're engaging in the conversation instead of just nodding.
There are several ways to do this, all of which encourage the other person to keep opening up and letting you into their lives:
Ask questions.'" It shows you care about the story, and also helps you dive a little deeper into understanding.
React to emotional turns:
For example, when someone gets to a sad part of the story, wear an expression of concern on your face.
If it's a happy moment, don't be afraid to smile along.
Share your related experiences:
This doesn't mean you "went through the same exact thing." But sharing your feelings in a similar setting helps them share their own feelings., This isn't to say that first impressions aren't important
-- they are
-- but more often than not people make their mind up completely about someone without enough information to do so.
The first time you meet someone they may be frazzled or worried, giving off a wholly different impression than they would normally.
People are complex, changing animals, and you only start to understand them when you spend quality time together.
People are a sum of many interactions, not just one.
Try not to judge interactions, deciding if they were good or bad.
Consider, instead, what you learned from each interaction, adding to this each time you meet., There is an old adage that you should "never blame malice for what can easily be explained by conceit." Simply put, most people aren't out to get anyone, they just have trouble thinking past their own self interest.
When trying to understand actions that hurt you, ask yourself if someone is truly mean or just a little short-sighted.
People don't generally have great memories.
Forgetting your name, showing up late, etc. is not a coded signal that they don't like you
-- it is just forgetfulness.
Remember to stay empathetic.
The person cutting you off in traffic may be mean, of course.
But more likely than not they are in a hurry, had a tough day at work, or just didn't see you in the other lane.
Think about how frequently say something wrong, or do something totally natural that someone else perceives as mean or directed at them.
You rarely mean direct harm on others, and everyone else largely means the same., Use a person's body language to clue into their broader intentions.
What a person says is hardly what they mean
-- how often have you told someone that something is "fine" when you really think the opposite? While the list below is far from exhaustive, these clues will help you understand people more deeply than listening alone:
The Head:
Is their chin up confidently, or tilted down in a sign of unhappiness? Do they make confident, direct eye contact, or avoid your gaze (and likely the truth) when talking? When they smile, do their eyes crinkle genuinely or does only their mouth smile? Shoulders and Torso:
Slouching indicates fear, unhappiness, or a lack of confidence, while happy people tend to keep their torso up and back.
If their arms are folded and body closed off, they are feeling shy or angry.
Open arms and chest indicate an open and confident person.
Waist:
Where does a person face their hips? This is almost always at the person or thing they are devoting the majority of their attention to.
Feet and Hands:
Are they calm and still or fidgety and nervous? Constant movement belies constantly moving or shifting thoughts, though this could be either anxiety or boundless enthusiasm, depending on the circumstances., This is, of course, not a perfect "rule." People perform unselfish or sacrificial acts of kindness every day, after all.
But the vast majority of human behavior is done because it directly benefits the person doing it.
Knowing this simple truth will help understand most people's actions, and help you understand people as well.
If someone does something, it is because they believe it helps them be happy or move towards their goals.
Actions speak louder than words, and generally reveal a person's intent and thoughts.Altruistic behavior (the scientific term for generosity or kindness) is generally a win-win sort of situation.
Helping other people helps you feel happier, develops useful friendships, and builds a community where everyone can be more successful than they would be alone.
Not all selfishness, in other words, is totally selfish.
When trying to understand a person, look for the patterns in their actions.
What sorts of goals, ideals, and morals do these actions generally point to?, One of the great benefits of empathy and understanding is realizing how similar we really are.
While everyone's goals and fears might have different aims, the truth is that we all want to be successful, have a network of friends, and feel happy.
It doesn't matter where you go in the world, the desire to have a comfortable, enjoyable life is a human trait, not an American one.When understanding someone, the simplest answer is usually the right one.
Think about how you'd feel in their position and you're well on your way to understanding. -
Step 3: Look past first impressions.
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Step 4: Recognize that most people are self-centered
-
Step 5: not cruel or mean-spirited.
-
Step 6: Pay attention to body language to better understand a person's mood and intentions.
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Step 7: Note that people
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Step 8: in general
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Step 9: do what is best for themselves.
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Step 10: Understand that most people have similar thoughts
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Step 11: and fears as yourself.
Detailed Guide
Empathy is the single most important skill when trying to understand others.
But empathy is a skill, not a talent, meaning it must be practiced to improve.
Every time you meet people, especially those you disagree with, make a point of putting yourself in their shoes.
If you were them, why would you be arguing a particular point or acting a particular way? What things in their life might lead them to their particular point of view? Empathy starts with you
-- when you're in an argument, stop and ask why this moment makes you so passionate.
Is there a good reason to be worked up, or are you simply getting carried away? When trying to understand someone's motivations, just ask. "I never thought of it that way, what makes you think that?" is a great way to move towards mutual understanding.
Listening to someone talk is a vital part of understanding them, but to truly be understanding you need to be an active listener.
This means you're engaging in the conversation instead of just nodding.
There are several ways to do this, all of which encourage the other person to keep opening up and letting you into their lives:
Ask questions.'" It shows you care about the story, and also helps you dive a little deeper into understanding.
React to emotional turns:
For example, when someone gets to a sad part of the story, wear an expression of concern on your face.
If it's a happy moment, don't be afraid to smile along.
Share your related experiences:
This doesn't mean you "went through the same exact thing." But sharing your feelings in a similar setting helps them share their own feelings., This isn't to say that first impressions aren't important
-- they are
-- but more often than not people make their mind up completely about someone without enough information to do so.
The first time you meet someone they may be frazzled or worried, giving off a wholly different impression than they would normally.
People are complex, changing animals, and you only start to understand them when you spend quality time together.
People are a sum of many interactions, not just one.
Try not to judge interactions, deciding if they were good or bad.
Consider, instead, what you learned from each interaction, adding to this each time you meet., There is an old adage that you should "never blame malice for what can easily be explained by conceit." Simply put, most people aren't out to get anyone, they just have trouble thinking past their own self interest.
When trying to understand actions that hurt you, ask yourself if someone is truly mean or just a little short-sighted.
People don't generally have great memories.
Forgetting your name, showing up late, etc. is not a coded signal that they don't like you
-- it is just forgetfulness.
Remember to stay empathetic.
The person cutting you off in traffic may be mean, of course.
But more likely than not they are in a hurry, had a tough day at work, or just didn't see you in the other lane.
Think about how frequently say something wrong, or do something totally natural that someone else perceives as mean or directed at them.
You rarely mean direct harm on others, and everyone else largely means the same., Use a person's body language to clue into their broader intentions.
What a person says is hardly what they mean
-- how often have you told someone that something is "fine" when you really think the opposite? While the list below is far from exhaustive, these clues will help you understand people more deeply than listening alone:
The Head:
Is their chin up confidently, or tilted down in a sign of unhappiness? Do they make confident, direct eye contact, or avoid your gaze (and likely the truth) when talking? When they smile, do their eyes crinkle genuinely or does only their mouth smile? Shoulders and Torso:
Slouching indicates fear, unhappiness, or a lack of confidence, while happy people tend to keep their torso up and back.
If their arms are folded and body closed off, they are feeling shy or angry.
Open arms and chest indicate an open and confident person.
Waist:
Where does a person face their hips? This is almost always at the person or thing they are devoting the majority of their attention to.
Feet and Hands:
Are they calm and still or fidgety and nervous? Constant movement belies constantly moving or shifting thoughts, though this could be either anxiety or boundless enthusiasm, depending on the circumstances., This is, of course, not a perfect "rule." People perform unselfish or sacrificial acts of kindness every day, after all.
But the vast majority of human behavior is done because it directly benefits the person doing it.
Knowing this simple truth will help understand most people's actions, and help you understand people as well.
If someone does something, it is because they believe it helps them be happy or move towards their goals.
Actions speak louder than words, and generally reveal a person's intent and thoughts.Altruistic behavior (the scientific term for generosity or kindness) is generally a win-win sort of situation.
Helping other people helps you feel happier, develops useful friendships, and builds a community where everyone can be more successful than they would be alone.
Not all selfishness, in other words, is totally selfish.
When trying to understand a person, look for the patterns in their actions.
What sorts of goals, ideals, and morals do these actions generally point to?, One of the great benefits of empathy and understanding is realizing how similar we really are.
While everyone's goals and fears might have different aims, the truth is that we all want to be successful, have a network of friends, and feel happy.
It doesn't matter where you go in the world, the desire to have a comfortable, enjoyable life is a human trait, not an American one.When understanding someone, the simplest answer is usually the right one.
Think about how you'd feel in their position and you're well on your way to understanding.
About the Author
Frances Anderson
Brings years of experience writing about practical skills and related subjects.
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