How to Cope With a Friend That Is Also Friends with Someone That You Hate
Talk to your friend., Live in the present., Discuss how you feel., Empathize with your friend., Engage in positive reframing., Don't gossip.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Talk to your friend.
It is always difficult to talk about a tough topic, but being honest and having a conversation with your friend about the person you dislike will be better for your friendship.
It will help them understand where you are coming from, and they might be more considerate when you are around that person.
Make the conversation as nice and gentle as possible. “I know this is probably uncomfortable for you, I feel uneasy about it, too.
I just want to be open and honest with you.”Tell your friend how you feel about other person in the nicest way possible. “I'm not Sarah's biggest fan, we've never really gotten along well.” Try to explain to your friend why you and that person don't get along.
If there was an event that occurred, let your friend in on it. “I guess it comes from that whole situation between Sarah, Emily, and I, last summer...” -
Step 2: Live in the present.
Try instead refocusing your thinking to the present time you are spending with your friend.
Utilizing mindfulness techniques will help you to train your brain to stay in the moment and to refocus when your thoughts drift to the other person.Come Back:
When you catch yourself thinking about the other person that you dislike, or feeling anxious or jealous, think or say to yourself “Come back,” take a deep breath, and focus on what is happening right now.
Attentive Listening:
Look into your friends eyes and really listen to what they are saying.
Notice the tone of their voice, the way they laugh, or how their face changes as they talk.
This will help you feel more connected to your friend and focus on the moment.Speaking Mindfully:
Fully consider the impact your words can have on the other person.
Think about how you would feel if what you are saying were said to you.
Ask yourself if you are being truly honest in your communication., Try to let your friend know how you feel about your friendship and any feelings you may be having about the other person's impact on your friendship.
The more honest you are with them, the more honest they can be with you.
It's also important for you to communicate how you feel.You might try something like the following: ”I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but our friendship is important to me.” ”I'm worried that my feelings about Sarah are going to affect our friendship.” ”I'm not trying to tell you who to be friends with, I just don't want this to come between us.” , Empathy is trying to understand and feel someone else's experience from their point of view.Use empathy to recognize that it is probably very difficult for your friend.
They are stuck in between two friends who don't get along, but ideally would like to stay friends with both.
Practice empathy by making empathic responses that are validating, sympathetic, caring, and supportive. “I am so sorry, it has to be frustrating to be stuck in the middle.
How can I help?”Avoid non-empathic responses that are impatient, invalidating, self-centered, uncaring, un-supportive, or demanding. “Don't freak out, you shouldn't feel that way.
Here's what I want you to do.”, Positive reframing is a technique where you notice negative events or maladaptive thoughts and make an effort to change them much like putting a picture in a new frame.
Positive reframing will not change the situation, but it can change how you react to it and how you feel about it.Use this as a chance to learn by asking, “What can I learn from this that will help me grow?” Challenge the assumptions or beliefs behind some thoughts you might be having such as, “They are hanging out because my friend likes her more than me.” Use different wording, change “I really hate her” to “I'm not a fan of that girl” or “Maybe she is really struggling right now.”, If at all possible, avoid talking about the person you hate behind their back or gossiping about them.It's immature, mean, and will make you look like the bad guy.Gossip can be harmful to you, your friend, or the group as a whole.Gossip can be a form of exclusion or bullying.
It can destroy your friends trust in you.
It can prompt others to gossip about you. -
Step 3: Discuss how you feel.
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Step 4: Empathize with your friend.
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Step 5: Engage in positive reframing.
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Step 6: Don't gossip.
Detailed Guide
It is always difficult to talk about a tough topic, but being honest and having a conversation with your friend about the person you dislike will be better for your friendship.
It will help them understand where you are coming from, and they might be more considerate when you are around that person.
Make the conversation as nice and gentle as possible. “I know this is probably uncomfortable for you, I feel uneasy about it, too.
I just want to be open and honest with you.”Tell your friend how you feel about other person in the nicest way possible. “I'm not Sarah's biggest fan, we've never really gotten along well.” Try to explain to your friend why you and that person don't get along.
If there was an event that occurred, let your friend in on it. “I guess it comes from that whole situation between Sarah, Emily, and I, last summer...”
Try instead refocusing your thinking to the present time you are spending with your friend.
Utilizing mindfulness techniques will help you to train your brain to stay in the moment and to refocus when your thoughts drift to the other person.Come Back:
When you catch yourself thinking about the other person that you dislike, or feeling anxious or jealous, think or say to yourself “Come back,” take a deep breath, and focus on what is happening right now.
Attentive Listening:
Look into your friends eyes and really listen to what they are saying.
Notice the tone of their voice, the way they laugh, or how their face changes as they talk.
This will help you feel more connected to your friend and focus on the moment.Speaking Mindfully:
Fully consider the impact your words can have on the other person.
Think about how you would feel if what you are saying were said to you.
Ask yourself if you are being truly honest in your communication., Try to let your friend know how you feel about your friendship and any feelings you may be having about the other person's impact on your friendship.
The more honest you are with them, the more honest they can be with you.
It's also important for you to communicate how you feel.You might try something like the following: ”I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but our friendship is important to me.” ”I'm worried that my feelings about Sarah are going to affect our friendship.” ”I'm not trying to tell you who to be friends with, I just don't want this to come between us.” , Empathy is trying to understand and feel someone else's experience from their point of view.Use empathy to recognize that it is probably very difficult for your friend.
They are stuck in between two friends who don't get along, but ideally would like to stay friends with both.
Practice empathy by making empathic responses that are validating, sympathetic, caring, and supportive. “I am so sorry, it has to be frustrating to be stuck in the middle.
How can I help?”Avoid non-empathic responses that are impatient, invalidating, self-centered, uncaring, un-supportive, or demanding. “Don't freak out, you shouldn't feel that way.
Here's what I want you to do.”, Positive reframing is a technique where you notice negative events or maladaptive thoughts and make an effort to change them much like putting a picture in a new frame.
Positive reframing will not change the situation, but it can change how you react to it and how you feel about it.Use this as a chance to learn by asking, “What can I learn from this that will help me grow?” Challenge the assumptions or beliefs behind some thoughts you might be having such as, “They are hanging out because my friend likes her more than me.” Use different wording, change “I really hate her” to “I'm not a fan of that girl” or “Maybe she is really struggling right now.”, If at all possible, avoid talking about the person you hate behind their back or gossiping about them.It's immature, mean, and will make you look like the bad guy.Gossip can be harmful to you, your friend, or the group as a whole.Gossip can be a form of exclusion or bullying.
It can destroy your friends trust in you.
It can prompt others to gossip about you.
About the Author
Jacqueline Flores
Writer and educator with a focus on practical cooking knowledge.
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