How to Deal With a Friend Who Refuses to Change

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Ask yourself what you need changed.

   If you plan to approach your friend and tell them to change, you need to lay out examples of what you expect to change.
   
   This may be that a friend is overbearing, too needy, or otherwise interferes with your personal space.
   
   It may also be that the friend is being self destructive, and you feel the need to intervene.Making a bulleted list may seem harsh, but is a good way to stay on point and address issues with your friend.
   
   For example:
   Please do not discuss my relationship unless I bring it up.
   
   Please do not comment on how much money I make.
   
   Please refrain from trying to convert my religious views.
2. 2

   Step 2: Know why you want these changes.

   Are these changes for your convenience, for your friend’s well-being, or a necessary factor in continuing the friendship? When you tell your friend that they have to change something about themselves, they are likely to ask why.
   
   You need to be ready to open up and give them the truth.If you are addressing several behaviors, make sure you have a good reason for each one.
   
   Express how they make you feel, and how they can be improved. , You should have this talk in person if at all possible.
   
   Texts and emails are not reliable ways to communicate highly emotional messages.
   
   Pick a time when neither of you are too stressed and meet somewhere that you won’t be interrupted.You might decide to meet for a Saturday morning coffee at a quiet local coffee house, for example. , Your friend deserves respect.
   
   Use “I” statements and avoid placing blame on your friend.
   
   Make your case for change without raising your voice or threatening your friend with consequences.You might say something like “I feel very judged when you compare our incomes.
   
   I am not comfortable with it, and I want you to stop.” , Avoid vague statements like “things need to change.” Be very direct with your friend and tell them exactly what changes are needed and when your boundaries have been violated.
   
   You should remain polite and avoid being insulting, but be assertive.For example, if your friend constantly talks badly about your significant other, you might set a boundary about this kind of talk.
   
   You might say something like, “I enjoy being your friend, but I also enjoy my relationship.
   
   I feel hurt when you talk badly about my significant other.
   
   Please keep those comments to yourself from now on.” , Setting a boundary and getting someone to respect it can take time, practice and patience.Be prepared to educate, adapt, and remind your friend when the new boundary is not being acknowledged.
   
   For example, if your friend makes a disparaging comment about your husband, then you could say something like, "Remember when I asked you not to speak negatively about my husband? That comment is an example of what I'm talking about.
   
   Please don't say that about him." If the person continues to make the same kinds of comments, then you can set a new limit.
   
   For example, you might say, "I've told you how those comments make me feel, and you continue to say them.
   
   If it continues, I'm leaving," or "If it continues, I won't be accepting any more of your invitations to dinner." If the person continues to ignore the boundary you have set, then follow through with what you said you would do.
   
   Leave the room or stop accepting dinner invitations.
3. 3

   Step 3: Pick an appropriate time and place to talk.

4. 4

   Step 4: Talk to your friend calmly.

5. 5

   Step 5: Make your boundaries clear.

6. 6

   Step 6: Reinforce the boundary that you have set.

Detailed Guide

About the Author