How to Deal with Insincere Compliments
Say “thank you.” If you are tempted to respond impulsively with a remark that could come back to harm you, it may be in your best interest to reply simply as if the person was entirely sincerely., Smile and carry on., Ask the person to explain what...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Say “thank you.” If you are tempted to respond impulsively with a remark that could come back to harm you
Tell the person “thank you” even if you’re sure the compliment wasn’t altogether genuine.
Thank the person for the positive portion of the compliment and ignoring the rest.
For example, your sister says “Geez, you’ve lost a lot of weight! You look good! At one point you were so much bigger than me!” You might reply with “Thanks, I’m glad my hard work is starting to show.”It is likely very hard to not respond to hurtful comments mixed into the "compliment".
This sort of approach is best for situations in which responding in a more frank and forthright manner is not advisable.
For example, a superior at work or your sibling at a family gathering. -
Step 2: it may be in your best interest to reply simply as if the person was entirely sincerely.
In other words, ignore the masked insult and continue what you were doing.
There’s no need to allow the person to get under your skin.
Ignoring them with a polite smile will send the message that you won’t engage in the exchange, it does not have the desired effect on you (upsetting you, humiliating you, manipulating you).
Plus on the off chance the compliment was actually sincere, you won’t have waged war on an innocent person., If you have an acquaintance who regularly offers insincere compliments, you might choose to confront them by having them really explain what is meant by the statement.
This will force the individual to confront his or her words, and have to justify them.
This will often make a person uncomfortable with his or her actions and re-think interactions.
Be specific in your example.
For example, "Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but what do you mean by saying, 'it's nice to see a person like you doing that?'" Rather than, "Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but the rest of that statement is garbage." Being specific in the insincere compliment makes it harder to just blow off as a mistaken word or phrase.
Particularly manipulative individuals, or those good at coming up with excuses on the spot may be able to navigate this tactic.
Even still, it is worth trying, as it will indicate you are aware of the behavior and question it.
Keep in mind that the person may not even be aware that they are giving negative compliments if this is their normal way of interacting, so you may be doing them a favor by pointing this out to them.
You might say, “Ben, I notice that you make a lot of remarks about my work.
At first glance, they appear positive, but I noticed you keep commenting about my punctuality.
I'm really unclear on why you keep talking about it because you know I take the bus and have little control over when it arrives.
Can you explain?”Occasionally an individual does not really understand he or she is giving insincere compliments.
This can happen if a parent modelled this behavior, he or she was not allowed to voice feelings directly, or some mental illnesses.
It is still not OK, but it can be a learned behavior.
The person might respond with a sincere apology, which you can choose to accept.
Or not.
People may become defensive and make up excuses or the like.
This is a sign that he or she knows it is wrong but is not ready to own up to it. , Sometimes just confronting the individual with his or her statements or enough, but requesting that they stop is an even stronger statement.
Do so under the pretense of modesty and the person will be none the wiser.
For instance, say something along the lines of “Please stop with the compliments, Tina.
I’m just doing my job.” Or, you might deflect the praise to others by saying, “I wasn’t the only one who worked on this project.
Praise the rest of the team—not just me.” -
Step 3: Smile and carry on.
-
Step 4: Ask the person to explain what he or she means.
-
Step 5: Request that they stop.
Detailed Guide
Tell the person “thank you” even if you’re sure the compliment wasn’t altogether genuine.
Thank the person for the positive portion of the compliment and ignoring the rest.
For example, your sister says “Geez, you’ve lost a lot of weight! You look good! At one point you were so much bigger than me!” You might reply with “Thanks, I’m glad my hard work is starting to show.”It is likely very hard to not respond to hurtful comments mixed into the "compliment".
This sort of approach is best for situations in which responding in a more frank and forthright manner is not advisable.
For example, a superior at work or your sibling at a family gathering.
In other words, ignore the masked insult and continue what you were doing.
There’s no need to allow the person to get under your skin.
Ignoring them with a polite smile will send the message that you won’t engage in the exchange, it does not have the desired effect on you (upsetting you, humiliating you, manipulating you).
Plus on the off chance the compliment was actually sincere, you won’t have waged war on an innocent person., If you have an acquaintance who regularly offers insincere compliments, you might choose to confront them by having them really explain what is meant by the statement.
This will force the individual to confront his or her words, and have to justify them.
This will often make a person uncomfortable with his or her actions and re-think interactions.
Be specific in your example.
For example, "Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but what do you mean by saying, 'it's nice to see a person like you doing that?'" Rather than, "Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but the rest of that statement is garbage." Being specific in the insincere compliment makes it harder to just blow off as a mistaken word or phrase.
Particularly manipulative individuals, or those good at coming up with excuses on the spot may be able to navigate this tactic.
Even still, it is worth trying, as it will indicate you are aware of the behavior and question it.
Keep in mind that the person may not even be aware that they are giving negative compliments if this is their normal way of interacting, so you may be doing them a favor by pointing this out to them.
You might say, “Ben, I notice that you make a lot of remarks about my work.
At first glance, they appear positive, but I noticed you keep commenting about my punctuality.
I'm really unclear on why you keep talking about it because you know I take the bus and have little control over when it arrives.
Can you explain?”Occasionally an individual does not really understand he or she is giving insincere compliments.
This can happen if a parent modelled this behavior, he or she was not allowed to voice feelings directly, or some mental illnesses.
It is still not OK, but it can be a learned behavior.
The person might respond with a sincere apology, which you can choose to accept.
Or not.
People may become defensive and make up excuses or the like.
This is a sign that he or she knows it is wrong but is not ready to own up to it. , Sometimes just confronting the individual with his or her statements or enough, but requesting that they stop is an even stronger statement.
Do so under the pretense of modesty and the person will be none the wiser.
For instance, say something along the lines of “Please stop with the compliments, Tina.
I’m just doing my job.” Or, you might deflect the praise to others by saying, “I wasn’t the only one who worked on this project.
Praise the rest of the team—not just me.”
About the Author
Matthew Gutierrez
A passionate writer with expertise in practical skills topics. Loves sharing practical knowledge.
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