How to Discern Friends from Foes As an Autistic Person
Consider the requests they make of you., Notice patterns in who helps whom., Pay attention to tone of voice and other vocal cues., Ask people you trust about your friendships., Think about how you feel during and after your time together., Tell them...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Consider the requests they make of you.
When people tell you to do something (e.g. singing, making disruptive noises, telling people certain things) then think.
Is this the right place and time for it? Would it disturb people or make them unhappy? If the request seems off to you, then say "No, thank you.
I'd rather not." If they continue pressing the issue, continue saying that you don't want to. -
Step 2: Notice patterns in who helps whom.
Are you constantly rushing to your friend's aid? Does your friend do you favors and support you in return, or is it all one-sided? If your friend asks plenty of you without doing much in return, then (s)he is probably using you.
Actions are more honest than words.
If a friend often says "I'll make it up to you" but never does, then you are dealing with someone who doesn't care that much about you. , People often demonstrate sarcasm through their tone and expressions.
Learn to discern when someone is being serious and supportive from when they're being sarcastic or poking fun at you. , For example, if your mom has excellent judgment, then ask her what she thinks of your friends.
If she says that something feels off, then listen to her.
Outsiders may be able to notice unhealthy dynamics from a distance. , Do you feel sad or dissatisfied with yourself? Do you tend to get stomachaches, headaches, or cramps? Do you often find yourself wishing that your friend behaved differently, or that you were somewhere else? After spending time with a good friend, you should usually feel in a better mood than you were before.
Sometimes you may feel tired or a little sad afterwards (e.g. after a long party or a disagreement), but not most of the time. , A good friend cares about your feelings, and will listen to you and take steps not to do it again.
A bully will tell you that your feelings are wrong or unimportant, and have plenty of excuses not to care about them.
Use the "When you ____, I feel _____" template.
For example, "When you tease me about my hair, I feel hurt."
People may be nice in the moment, without being reliably supportive in the long run.
Try to get a sense of how people interact with you over time to figure out whether they're on your side or not.
True friends will be supportive in the long haul, not just friendly on one or two occasions. -
Step 3: Pay attention to tone of voice and other vocal cues.
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Step 4: Ask people you trust about your friendships.
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Step 5: Think about how you feel during and after your time together.
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Step 6: Tell them how you feel about something they did
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Step 7: and see how they react.
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Step 8: Observe them over time.
Detailed Guide
When people tell you to do something (e.g. singing, making disruptive noises, telling people certain things) then think.
Is this the right place and time for it? Would it disturb people or make them unhappy? If the request seems off to you, then say "No, thank you.
I'd rather not." If they continue pressing the issue, continue saying that you don't want to.
Are you constantly rushing to your friend's aid? Does your friend do you favors and support you in return, or is it all one-sided? If your friend asks plenty of you without doing much in return, then (s)he is probably using you.
Actions are more honest than words.
If a friend often says "I'll make it up to you" but never does, then you are dealing with someone who doesn't care that much about you. , People often demonstrate sarcasm through their tone and expressions.
Learn to discern when someone is being serious and supportive from when they're being sarcastic or poking fun at you. , For example, if your mom has excellent judgment, then ask her what she thinks of your friends.
If she says that something feels off, then listen to her.
Outsiders may be able to notice unhealthy dynamics from a distance. , Do you feel sad or dissatisfied with yourself? Do you tend to get stomachaches, headaches, or cramps? Do you often find yourself wishing that your friend behaved differently, or that you were somewhere else? After spending time with a good friend, you should usually feel in a better mood than you were before.
Sometimes you may feel tired or a little sad afterwards (e.g. after a long party or a disagreement), but not most of the time. , A good friend cares about your feelings, and will listen to you and take steps not to do it again.
A bully will tell you that your feelings are wrong or unimportant, and have plenty of excuses not to care about them.
Use the "When you ____, I feel _____" template.
For example, "When you tease me about my hair, I feel hurt."
People may be nice in the moment, without being reliably supportive in the long run.
Try to get a sense of how people interact with you over time to figure out whether they're on your side or not.
True friends will be supportive in the long haul, not just friendly on one or two occasions.
About the Author
Natalie Kim
Enthusiastic about teaching lifestyle techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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