How to Get an Adult Male to Use His Manners
Consider what direct and indirect demands you have been making., Be prepared to evaluate your viewpoint of the situation as objectively as possible., Recognize that often, men do not concentrate on the same details as women on a given conversation...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Consider what direct and indirect demands you have been making.
Reflect on the balance of personal demands you are making to your partner, and evaluate whether that balance is just. -
Step 2: Be prepared to evaluate your viewpoint of the situation as objectively as possible.
Don't go into the impending talk convinced that anything he might say is either wrong or not heartfelt.
That won't help to solve the problem. , Recollections of events will naturally differ, and importance placed on particular situations will greatly vary between men and women.
There is no right or wrong interpretation or recollection of any given situation.
Your male partner's views and responses are valid in his world view, as yours is equally valid. , Sit down in an undisturbed place for a few minutes and compose a list of what is bothering you.
It may be that you are never treated politely, that he is ignoring you, that he never gets the groceries out of the car anymore or anything else that makes you feel neglected. , List the traits or behavioural patterns in the order of importance.
What disturbs you most? What changes have to be made fastest to keep you from just walking out? , Viewing your list, try to assess whether the man in question will be able and willing to change his behaviour.
If something on the list is a trait he is even proud of, the chance of him dropping it is pretty slim. , Maybe you want to take a few notes.
Don't get worked up beforehand.
Be confident that there is something you can do together to improve your relationship. , If you want, you can set up a certain time to discuss it.
Don't let it slip into the background or postpone it, emphasize that this is important to you. , That will give you a good start (you've just praised whatever it was that made you fall in love with him) and a solid ground on which to build your criticism. , This is the observation of a fact.
Don't judge his behaviour by saying something like "You haven't done that anymore, so you don't care about me." That is a negative presumption.
It probably isn't true and would hurt his feelings. , This way, he probably won't dismiss your points as "not a big deal". , You don't have to clearly threaten to break up or get divorced, but you should make clear that you do not feel like you're his partner any more (if that's what you feel) or that he doesn't care as much about you as he used to. , Let him know that you really want to understand him and connect to him.
Don't do this in an accusatory manner (i.e.: "Why do you do that? What's wrong with you?" would instantly make anyone angry and defensive).
He might be overwhelmed and say "I don't know." Don't assume that this means he doesn't care.
Try to guess what underlying need might have influenced his behaviour (i.e.:
If you feel ignored by him, you could ask "Do you feel I've not been making an effort to spend time with you?"). , He might try to throw things back at you, like you letting yourself go or whatever.
Make the offer that he can tell you about what bothers him when you're done, that you don't want to mix up the issues and that the point is not in placing blame.
When you're done with the issue at hand, really go back and let him tell you about what bothers him.
If he says you're letting yourself go, try to go deeper than that.
You might ask if he feels you don't care about him any more because you haven't made an effort to look nice around him, for example. , If he doesn't, ask him if he is willing to work on the problem together, and that both of you might be more considerate of each other's needs and feelings in the future.
If he loves you, he will say yes. , Don't expect him to change everything at once, it will probably take a lot of his energy, so observe during the next few weeks if he does something considerate and keeps it up. , That way, he will know that you're reliable, it's important to you, and that you want him to be happy. , -
Step 3: Recognize that often
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Step 4: men do not concentrate on the same details as women on a given conversation or situation.
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Step 5: Organise your thoughts.
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Step 6: Get your priorities straight.
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Step 7: Contemplate whether you feel the relationship has a future.
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Step 8: Prepare yourself to talk to him about it if you think addressing the issue will make it better.
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Step 9: Let him know that there is something you would like to talk to him about.
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Step 10: Start the talk with saying how much he means to you and why you entered into the relationship.
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Step 11: Connect the criticism to the positive things you said before by telling him something like "I really loved when you used to ..
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Step 12: but lately
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Step 13: you haven't done that anymore."
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Step 14: Be careful not to make it a nagging monologue
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Step 15: but address a certain behaviour and say clearly "This makes me feel neglected / unattractive / not appreciated / stupid / sad".
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Step 16: Show him how much this means to you and that his behaviour hurts your feelings.
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Step 17: Ask him to explain why he acts that way.
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Step 18: Keep the discussion on track.
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Step 19: Accept his apology if he offers one.
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Step 20: Take small steps with the changes.
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Step 21: Make changes yourself if the discussion has uncovered something you do that bothers him.
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Step 22: Praise him for taking more care of you if you notice he's making an effort.
Detailed Guide
Reflect on the balance of personal demands you are making to your partner, and evaluate whether that balance is just.
Don't go into the impending talk convinced that anything he might say is either wrong or not heartfelt.
That won't help to solve the problem. , Recollections of events will naturally differ, and importance placed on particular situations will greatly vary between men and women.
There is no right or wrong interpretation or recollection of any given situation.
Your male partner's views and responses are valid in his world view, as yours is equally valid. , Sit down in an undisturbed place for a few minutes and compose a list of what is bothering you.
It may be that you are never treated politely, that he is ignoring you, that he never gets the groceries out of the car anymore or anything else that makes you feel neglected. , List the traits or behavioural patterns in the order of importance.
What disturbs you most? What changes have to be made fastest to keep you from just walking out? , Viewing your list, try to assess whether the man in question will be able and willing to change his behaviour.
If something on the list is a trait he is even proud of, the chance of him dropping it is pretty slim. , Maybe you want to take a few notes.
Don't get worked up beforehand.
Be confident that there is something you can do together to improve your relationship. , If you want, you can set up a certain time to discuss it.
Don't let it slip into the background or postpone it, emphasize that this is important to you. , That will give you a good start (you've just praised whatever it was that made you fall in love with him) and a solid ground on which to build your criticism. , This is the observation of a fact.
Don't judge his behaviour by saying something like "You haven't done that anymore, so you don't care about me." That is a negative presumption.
It probably isn't true and would hurt his feelings. , This way, he probably won't dismiss your points as "not a big deal". , You don't have to clearly threaten to break up or get divorced, but you should make clear that you do not feel like you're his partner any more (if that's what you feel) or that he doesn't care as much about you as he used to. , Let him know that you really want to understand him and connect to him.
Don't do this in an accusatory manner (i.e.: "Why do you do that? What's wrong with you?" would instantly make anyone angry and defensive).
He might be overwhelmed and say "I don't know." Don't assume that this means he doesn't care.
Try to guess what underlying need might have influenced his behaviour (i.e.:
If you feel ignored by him, you could ask "Do you feel I've not been making an effort to spend time with you?"). , He might try to throw things back at you, like you letting yourself go or whatever.
Make the offer that he can tell you about what bothers him when you're done, that you don't want to mix up the issues and that the point is not in placing blame.
When you're done with the issue at hand, really go back and let him tell you about what bothers him.
If he says you're letting yourself go, try to go deeper than that.
You might ask if he feels you don't care about him any more because you haven't made an effort to look nice around him, for example. , If he doesn't, ask him if he is willing to work on the problem together, and that both of you might be more considerate of each other's needs and feelings in the future.
If he loves you, he will say yes. , Don't expect him to change everything at once, it will probably take a lot of his energy, so observe during the next few weeks if he does something considerate and keeps it up. , That way, he will know that you're reliable, it's important to you, and that you want him to be happy. ,
About the Author
Kathryn Harris
Writer and educator with a focus on practical cooking knowledge.
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