How to Regain Confidence
Take stock of yourself., Look back on your life and your accomplishments., Focus on positive thoughts and beliefs., Set goals and expectations., Fake it 'til you make it., Take chances., Help someone., Take care of yourself., Let go of the idea of...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Take stock of yourself.
If you chronically lack confidence, it's probably very easy for you to catalogue your faults and failures, but what about acknowledging your positives? For most people, this is a lot more challenging.
Researchers have found that self-esteem is comprised of both cognitive factors, such as positive memories you have of yourself and your behavior, and self-evaluation, or how positively you evaluate your current attitudes and behaviors.Make a list of everything you like about yourself
- your qualities and skills that make you you.It can help to actually sit down and write out a list as things come to you.
Grab a notebook or journal and set a timer for 20-30 minutes.
Journaling is a good way to continually maintain and open conversation with yourself about who you are and want to be.
It's a way to prompt self-reflection and self-discovery and may help you realize things about yourself that you didn't really know.Think also about some areas you'd like to improve, such as assertiveness or self-confidence.
Contemplate not only what you feel, but why you feel the way you do.
Begin to understand your true self, and allow it to exist.
If you're not as good at handling some things as you are at others—for example, maybe you feel confident and capable until other people are thrown into a situation, such as in a relationship or at work—acknowledging all facets of yourself is the first step to transformation. -
Step 2: Look back on your life and your accomplishments.
Chances are that you are not giving yourself enough credit for everything that you've done throughout your life.
Take some time to reflect and look back at your past glories from big to small—things that you've done that you feel proud of.
This will help validate your place in the world and the value you bring to the people and society around you and, in this way, build your self-confidence.
Research shows that part of building self-esteem is having a solid schema of positive memories about your past accomplishments and abilities.
If you begin to accept that you have been a bright, hopeful, confident person in the past, it becomes easier to believe that you can be amazing and do amazing things again.During this time, write a list of all of your accomplishments.
Keep in mind that everything should be included, from big accomplishments to the little everyday things.
Your list can include things like learning how to drive, going to college, moving into your own apartment, making a great friend, cooking a fancy meal, getting a degree or diploma, getting your first "adult" job, and so on.
The possibilities are endless! Return to the list periodically to add to it.
You'll see that you have lots to be proud of.Scan through old photos, scrap books, yearbooks, trip mementos, or even consider making a collage of your life and accomplishments to date., Rather than get bogged down with negative thoughts, try to focus on positive, encouraging, and constructive thoughts.
Remember that you are a special, one-of-a-kind person who is worthy of love and respect
- from others and from yourself.
Try these strategies:
Use hopeful statements.
Be optimistic and avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy of pessimism.
If you expect bad things, they often occur.
For example, if you anticipate a presentation going poorly, it just might.
Instead, be positive.
Tell yourself, "Even though it's going to be a challenge, I can handle this presentation." Focus on "can" and avoid "should" statements. "Should" statements imply that there is something you ought to be doing (that you're not currently doing) and this might cause you to feel pressured if you can't meet these expectations.
Instead, focus on what you CAN do.
Be your own cheerleader.
Give yourself positive encouragement and credit for the positive things you do.
For example, you might note that although you're not getting all the exercise you'd like to be getting, you have been doing to the gym one extra day a week.
Give yourself credit for making positive changes.
For example, "My presentation might not have been perfect, but my colleagues asked questions and remained engaged — which means that I accomplished my goal." Over time, this will help you reframe your thinking to be more confident. , Write of lists of things you want to accomplish and set out to achieve these goals.
For example, you might decide to volunteer more, take up a new hobby, or spend time with friends.Make sure your goals and expectations are realistic.
Striving for the impossible will only deflate, not enhance, self-confidence.For example, don't suddenly decide that at age 35, your dream is to play professional hockey or be a principal ballet dancer.
This is unrealistic and your self-confidence will likely take a hit once you realize how far away and unattainable that goal is.Instead, set more realistic goals, like deciding to do better in math class, learn how to play the guitar or master a new sport.
Setting goals that you can consciously and consistently work towards and eventually meet can help you stop the cycle of negative thinking that reduces your self confidence.
You'll see that you can set and meet goals successfully and will attain a sense of fulfillment.
You could also set goals that help to you see and feel your own competencies.
For example, if you feel like you want to be better informed about the world, decide that you are going to read a newspaper every day for a month.
Or, say you want to empower yourself in knowing how to fix your own bike and opt to learn how to do your own tune-up.
Meeting goals that address things that help you feel powerful and capable will help you feel better about yourself as a whole. , That old saying actually has some real value to it.
Confidence doesn't happen overnight, but now that you have a good sense of who you are and what you want, you can put up a good front that will eventually translate into confidence within as well.
The very act of trying to appear confident can actually increase your confidence, as you begin to see how it affects those around you.
Use your body language to project confidence.
Stand and sit with a straight back.
Walk with easy, full strides.
Make plenty of eye contact when you meet people, and if you're nervous, smile instead of looking away.Smile more.
Studies have shown that the very act of smiling can improve your mood and make you feel more positive.Speak more (rather than less) and with greater confidence.
This is especially true for women, who tend to speak less and with reduced assertiveness in social situations with men.
Make a concerted effort to have your voice heard in social situations; your opinion matters and you have value to add to a conversation.When you do speak, speak clearly and with precise enunciation; don't mumble or cover your mouth with your hands or fingers. , Remember that you can't control what anyone else thinks, feels, or does; you can only control yourself.
Instead of being fearful of all of this uncertainty and your lack of control, try to embrace it.
Accept that the world around you is a big and uncertain place by taking a chance on something new.
You'll be surprised by how often you succeed when you're proactive – as the old maxim goes, “fortune favours the bold” – and if you fail, you'll be able to see that your life continues on anyway.
Whichever way you cut it, taking a few risks and trying new things is one of the best ways to rebuild your lost confidence.
Strike up a conversation with someone on the bus, submit a photo or story for publication, or even ask out your secret crush.
Choose something that puts you a bit outside of your comfort zone and jump in headfirst with the knowledge that your life will go on no matter the outcome.
Experiment with new activities; you might learn about talents or skills you didn't know you possessed.
Maybe you take up running track and discover that you are really good at distance running, something you'd never thought of before.
This can help increase your self-confidence.Consider taking up artistic activities such as painting, music, poetry, and dance.
Artistic endeavors often help people learn how to express themselves and attain a sense of 'mastery' of a subject or skill.
Lots of community sentences offer free or reasonably-priced classes. , Research has shown that people who volunteer tend to feel happier and have higher self-esteem.
It may seem paradoxical that to feel better about yourself you should help someone else, but science does prove indeed that feelings of social connectedness that accompany volunteering or helping others make us feel more positive about ourselves.There are endless opportunities to help others in the world.
Volunteer at a retirement home or a homeless shelter.
Get involved with your church or a ministry or a community that helps sick or poor people.
Donate your time and service to a humanitarian or animal cause.
Be a Big Brother or Big Sister.
Clean up a local park on a community-organized occasion. , Putting time into yourself can also help improve your self-confidence in general.
The healthier you are in mind and body, the better the possibility that you will be satisfied with your self.
This means doing your best to be healthy, whatever that may look like for you individually.
Some pointers include:
Eat at least three meals a day that are based on healthy and nutrient-rich foods, such as whole grains, lean protein (like poultry and fish), and fresh vegetables to keep yourself energized and nourished.
Drink water to hydrate your body.
Avoid processed, sugary, and caffeinated foods and/or drinks.
These can affect your mood and should be avoided if you're concerned about mood swings or negative emotions.Exercise.
Research has shown that exercise can give a real boost to self-esteem.
This is because exercise causes the body to release the "happy chemicals" called endorphins.
This feeling of euphoria can be accompanied by increased positivity and energy.
Try to get up to at least 30 minutes of vigorous exercise at least three times a week.
At the very least, set aside time for a brisk walk every day.Reduce stress.
Make a plan to reduce the stress of your everyday life by designating time for relaxation and activities that you enjoy.
Meditate, take a yoga class, garden, or do whatever activity makes you feel calm and positive.
Note that being stressed can sometimes make it easier for people to overreact or let negative feelings dominate., Perfection is an artificial notion created and proliferated by society and the media and it does a great disservice to most of us by suggesting that perfection IS attainable and the problem is simply that we're not up to snuff.Nobody is perfect.
Make that your new mantra.
You're never going to have the perfect life, the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect job, and so on.
Neither will anyone else.Focus on effort rather than the desire for perfection.
If you don't try something because you're afraid you won't do it perfectly, then you don't stand a chance in the first place.
If you never try out for the basketball team because of your lack of confidence, it's a guarantee that you won't make the team.
Don't let the pressure to be perfect hold you back.Accept that you are a human being and that human beings are fundamentally imperfect and make mistakes.
In fact, our imperfections are what make us human and enable us to grow and improve.
Maybe you didn't get into your top college or were rejected from a job.
Instead of berating yourself for your errors, view them as opportunities to learn and grow and as things that you can rectify in the future.
Maybe you'll realize that you need to think more about your future educational path or that you need to learn how build job interview skills.
Forgive yourself and move forward; this isn't easy but it's key to avoiding that cycle of self-pity and low self-confidence. , Building confidence takes time, because each rush of confidence you achieve is temporary at first.
You've got to keep at projecting confidence and taking chances in order to build up a real sense of self-confidence.
Remember that self-confidence isn't a thing you achieve, it's a process.
Throughout your life, you will constantly be working to build and rebuild your self-confidence as life throws its surprises and obstacles your way.
You are constantly evolving, and so will your confidence. -
Step 3: Focus on positive thoughts and beliefs.
-
Step 4: Set goals and expectations.
-
Step 5: Fake it 'til you make it.
-
Step 6: Take chances.
-
Step 7: Help someone.
-
Step 8: Take care of yourself.
-
Step 9: Let go of the idea of perfection.
-
Step 10: Be persistent.
Detailed Guide
If you chronically lack confidence, it's probably very easy for you to catalogue your faults and failures, but what about acknowledging your positives? For most people, this is a lot more challenging.
Researchers have found that self-esteem is comprised of both cognitive factors, such as positive memories you have of yourself and your behavior, and self-evaluation, or how positively you evaluate your current attitudes and behaviors.Make a list of everything you like about yourself
- your qualities and skills that make you you.It can help to actually sit down and write out a list as things come to you.
Grab a notebook or journal and set a timer for 20-30 minutes.
Journaling is a good way to continually maintain and open conversation with yourself about who you are and want to be.
It's a way to prompt self-reflection and self-discovery and may help you realize things about yourself that you didn't really know.Think also about some areas you'd like to improve, such as assertiveness or self-confidence.
Contemplate not only what you feel, but why you feel the way you do.
Begin to understand your true self, and allow it to exist.
If you're not as good at handling some things as you are at others—for example, maybe you feel confident and capable until other people are thrown into a situation, such as in a relationship or at work—acknowledging all facets of yourself is the first step to transformation.
Chances are that you are not giving yourself enough credit for everything that you've done throughout your life.
Take some time to reflect and look back at your past glories from big to small—things that you've done that you feel proud of.
This will help validate your place in the world and the value you bring to the people and society around you and, in this way, build your self-confidence.
Research shows that part of building self-esteem is having a solid schema of positive memories about your past accomplishments and abilities.
If you begin to accept that you have been a bright, hopeful, confident person in the past, it becomes easier to believe that you can be amazing and do amazing things again.During this time, write a list of all of your accomplishments.
Keep in mind that everything should be included, from big accomplishments to the little everyday things.
Your list can include things like learning how to drive, going to college, moving into your own apartment, making a great friend, cooking a fancy meal, getting a degree or diploma, getting your first "adult" job, and so on.
The possibilities are endless! Return to the list periodically to add to it.
You'll see that you have lots to be proud of.Scan through old photos, scrap books, yearbooks, trip mementos, or even consider making a collage of your life and accomplishments to date., Rather than get bogged down with negative thoughts, try to focus on positive, encouraging, and constructive thoughts.
Remember that you are a special, one-of-a-kind person who is worthy of love and respect
- from others and from yourself.
Try these strategies:
Use hopeful statements.
Be optimistic and avoid the self-fulfilling prophecy of pessimism.
If you expect bad things, they often occur.
For example, if you anticipate a presentation going poorly, it just might.
Instead, be positive.
Tell yourself, "Even though it's going to be a challenge, I can handle this presentation." Focus on "can" and avoid "should" statements. "Should" statements imply that there is something you ought to be doing (that you're not currently doing) and this might cause you to feel pressured if you can't meet these expectations.
Instead, focus on what you CAN do.
Be your own cheerleader.
Give yourself positive encouragement and credit for the positive things you do.
For example, you might note that although you're not getting all the exercise you'd like to be getting, you have been doing to the gym one extra day a week.
Give yourself credit for making positive changes.
For example, "My presentation might not have been perfect, but my colleagues asked questions and remained engaged — which means that I accomplished my goal." Over time, this will help you reframe your thinking to be more confident. , Write of lists of things you want to accomplish and set out to achieve these goals.
For example, you might decide to volunteer more, take up a new hobby, or spend time with friends.Make sure your goals and expectations are realistic.
Striving for the impossible will only deflate, not enhance, self-confidence.For example, don't suddenly decide that at age 35, your dream is to play professional hockey or be a principal ballet dancer.
This is unrealistic and your self-confidence will likely take a hit once you realize how far away and unattainable that goal is.Instead, set more realistic goals, like deciding to do better in math class, learn how to play the guitar or master a new sport.
Setting goals that you can consciously and consistently work towards and eventually meet can help you stop the cycle of negative thinking that reduces your self confidence.
You'll see that you can set and meet goals successfully and will attain a sense of fulfillment.
You could also set goals that help to you see and feel your own competencies.
For example, if you feel like you want to be better informed about the world, decide that you are going to read a newspaper every day for a month.
Or, say you want to empower yourself in knowing how to fix your own bike and opt to learn how to do your own tune-up.
Meeting goals that address things that help you feel powerful and capable will help you feel better about yourself as a whole. , That old saying actually has some real value to it.
Confidence doesn't happen overnight, but now that you have a good sense of who you are and what you want, you can put up a good front that will eventually translate into confidence within as well.
The very act of trying to appear confident can actually increase your confidence, as you begin to see how it affects those around you.
Use your body language to project confidence.
Stand and sit with a straight back.
Walk with easy, full strides.
Make plenty of eye contact when you meet people, and if you're nervous, smile instead of looking away.Smile more.
Studies have shown that the very act of smiling can improve your mood and make you feel more positive.Speak more (rather than less) and with greater confidence.
This is especially true for women, who tend to speak less and with reduced assertiveness in social situations with men.
Make a concerted effort to have your voice heard in social situations; your opinion matters and you have value to add to a conversation.When you do speak, speak clearly and with precise enunciation; don't mumble or cover your mouth with your hands or fingers. , Remember that you can't control what anyone else thinks, feels, or does; you can only control yourself.
Instead of being fearful of all of this uncertainty and your lack of control, try to embrace it.
Accept that the world around you is a big and uncertain place by taking a chance on something new.
You'll be surprised by how often you succeed when you're proactive – as the old maxim goes, “fortune favours the bold” – and if you fail, you'll be able to see that your life continues on anyway.
Whichever way you cut it, taking a few risks and trying new things is one of the best ways to rebuild your lost confidence.
Strike up a conversation with someone on the bus, submit a photo or story for publication, or even ask out your secret crush.
Choose something that puts you a bit outside of your comfort zone and jump in headfirst with the knowledge that your life will go on no matter the outcome.
Experiment with new activities; you might learn about talents or skills you didn't know you possessed.
Maybe you take up running track and discover that you are really good at distance running, something you'd never thought of before.
This can help increase your self-confidence.Consider taking up artistic activities such as painting, music, poetry, and dance.
Artistic endeavors often help people learn how to express themselves and attain a sense of 'mastery' of a subject or skill.
Lots of community sentences offer free or reasonably-priced classes. , Research has shown that people who volunteer tend to feel happier and have higher self-esteem.
It may seem paradoxical that to feel better about yourself you should help someone else, but science does prove indeed that feelings of social connectedness that accompany volunteering or helping others make us feel more positive about ourselves.There are endless opportunities to help others in the world.
Volunteer at a retirement home or a homeless shelter.
Get involved with your church or a ministry or a community that helps sick or poor people.
Donate your time and service to a humanitarian or animal cause.
Be a Big Brother or Big Sister.
Clean up a local park on a community-organized occasion. , Putting time into yourself can also help improve your self-confidence in general.
The healthier you are in mind and body, the better the possibility that you will be satisfied with your self.
This means doing your best to be healthy, whatever that may look like for you individually.
Some pointers include:
Eat at least three meals a day that are based on healthy and nutrient-rich foods, such as whole grains, lean protein (like poultry and fish), and fresh vegetables to keep yourself energized and nourished.
Drink water to hydrate your body.
Avoid processed, sugary, and caffeinated foods and/or drinks.
These can affect your mood and should be avoided if you're concerned about mood swings or negative emotions.Exercise.
Research has shown that exercise can give a real boost to self-esteem.
This is because exercise causes the body to release the "happy chemicals" called endorphins.
This feeling of euphoria can be accompanied by increased positivity and energy.
Try to get up to at least 30 minutes of vigorous exercise at least three times a week.
At the very least, set aside time for a brisk walk every day.Reduce stress.
Make a plan to reduce the stress of your everyday life by designating time for relaxation and activities that you enjoy.
Meditate, take a yoga class, garden, or do whatever activity makes you feel calm and positive.
Note that being stressed can sometimes make it easier for people to overreact or let negative feelings dominate., Perfection is an artificial notion created and proliferated by society and the media and it does a great disservice to most of us by suggesting that perfection IS attainable and the problem is simply that we're not up to snuff.Nobody is perfect.
Make that your new mantra.
You're never going to have the perfect life, the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect job, and so on.
Neither will anyone else.Focus on effort rather than the desire for perfection.
If you don't try something because you're afraid you won't do it perfectly, then you don't stand a chance in the first place.
If you never try out for the basketball team because of your lack of confidence, it's a guarantee that you won't make the team.
Don't let the pressure to be perfect hold you back.Accept that you are a human being and that human beings are fundamentally imperfect and make mistakes.
In fact, our imperfections are what make us human and enable us to grow and improve.
Maybe you didn't get into your top college or were rejected from a job.
Instead of berating yourself for your errors, view them as opportunities to learn and grow and as things that you can rectify in the future.
Maybe you'll realize that you need to think more about your future educational path or that you need to learn how build job interview skills.
Forgive yourself and move forward; this isn't easy but it's key to avoiding that cycle of self-pity and low self-confidence. , Building confidence takes time, because each rush of confidence you achieve is temporary at first.
You've got to keep at projecting confidence and taking chances in order to build up a real sense of self-confidence.
Remember that self-confidence isn't a thing you achieve, it's a process.
Throughout your life, you will constantly be working to build and rebuild your self-confidence as life throws its surprises and obstacles your way.
You are constantly evolving, and so will your confidence.
About the Author
Jennifer Kim
Experienced content creator specializing in cooking guides and tutorials.
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