How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude
Identify your needs and feelings., Have clear boundaries in mind., Explain how you feel and what you need., Be straightforward., Don’t apologize for your opinions or needs., Practice assertive nonverbal communication., Show appreciation for the...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Identify your needs and feelings.
Take stock of when you don’t feel like you’re being treated with respect.
Think about situations when you felt steamrolled.
Then consider how you would like to be treated in these situations.
When you identify your needs and feelings, you can develop expectations for how you want to be treated in the future. -
Step 2: Have clear boundaries in mind.
Know what you’re willing to do or what would mean you’re going too far.
If you know your boundaries, then you won’t have to search for your boundaries in the middle of a stressful situation.For example, if your brother often asks you for money, and you're not sure how to handle it, have an exact number in mind for how much you're willing to give.
If you're not willing to give any more money, know that before you talk to him again and be ready to assert your boundaries. , When you are assertive, you explain how you feel and what you need, without being rude or aggressive.
These skills can help you stand up for yourself and still treat other people with respect.
Convey your opinions, thoughts and feelings in a respectful manner.
If you feel unsure about explaining your feelings, try writing them down first or practicing what you might say.For example, perhaps you want a raise at work, but you haven't found a good way to speak up about it yet.
The best outcome would be having the opportunity to make yourself heard and have your request for a raise accepted. , It can be difficult to simply tell someone what you want, especially if being nice is one of your stronger qualities.
You may feel that it seems rude to actually say what you think.
In reality, however, it isn't rude at all.
Beating around the bush will make you seem passive or bendable.
Project self-awareness and strength so you can get your way without having to argue.Don’t sugarcoat your position to make it seem more palatable.
For example, if you want your aunt to stop dropping by unannounced, say something like "Aunt Ida, please start calling before you come over.
That will give me time to prepare for your visit." Don't say, "Aunt Ida, would it be OK with you if you call me sometimes before you come over? But only if it's convenient for you, I don't really mind either way."
When you are assertive, you own your feelings and needs, and you feel justified in having them.
Don’t apologize for asking to get what you need., Communication happens both with words and with body language.The way you present your position will impact the way it’s received.
To have assertive nonverbal communication, practice some of these skills:
Maintain eye contact.
Stand or sit with good posture.
Speak with an appropriate tone and volume of voice.
Keep your body relaxed and calm. , When you communicate assertively, you also recognize the contributions of the other person.
You can still ask for what you want, but you should acknowledge when the other person has made concessions or has conveyed their feelings.Otherwise, you may come across as disinterested and rude. , When you are stressed, it’s often the case that you feel you are not in control of a situation.
This can influence the way you respond in a given situation.
You might be more prone to respond aggressively or passively.
Managing stress is integral to communicating assertively., If you’re tired or hungry, wait until you’ve resolved those issues before embarking on a conversation.
You might lose your cool more quickly and come across as rude if you’re not feeling very good., Learning to be assertive takes time and practice.
Start practicing your assertiveness techniques in small situations, such as telling your friend that you don’t want to watch a certain movie.
Build upon each experience and soon you will find yourself to be assertive in other situations too. -
Step 3: Explain how you feel and what you need.
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Step 4: Be straightforward.
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Step 5: Don’t apologize for your opinions or needs.
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Step 6: Practice assertive nonverbal communication.
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Step 7: Show appreciation for the other person.
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Step 8: Manage your stress.
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Step 9: Choose an appropriate time to have a conversation.
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Step 10: Practice and be patient.
Detailed Guide
Take stock of when you don’t feel like you’re being treated with respect.
Think about situations when you felt steamrolled.
Then consider how you would like to be treated in these situations.
When you identify your needs and feelings, you can develop expectations for how you want to be treated in the future.
Know what you’re willing to do or what would mean you’re going too far.
If you know your boundaries, then you won’t have to search for your boundaries in the middle of a stressful situation.For example, if your brother often asks you for money, and you're not sure how to handle it, have an exact number in mind for how much you're willing to give.
If you're not willing to give any more money, know that before you talk to him again and be ready to assert your boundaries. , When you are assertive, you explain how you feel and what you need, without being rude or aggressive.
These skills can help you stand up for yourself and still treat other people with respect.
Convey your opinions, thoughts and feelings in a respectful manner.
If you feel unsure about explaining your feelings, try writing them down first or practicing what you might say.For example, perhaps you want a raise at work, but you haven't found a good way to speak up about it yet.
The best outcome would be having the opportunity to make yourself heard and have your request for a raise accepted. , It can be difficult to simply tell someone what you want, especially if being nice is one of your stronger qualities.
You may feel that it seems rude to actually say what you think.
In reality, however, it isn't rude at all.
Beating around the bush will make you seem passive or bendable.
Project self-awareness and strength so you can get your way without having to argue.Don’t sugarcoat your position to make it seem more palatable.
For example, if you want your aunt to stop dropping by unannounced, say something like "Aunt Ida, please start calling before you come over.
That will give me time to prepare for your visit." Don't say, "Aunt Ida, would it be OK with you if you call me sometimes before you come over? But only if it's convenient for you, I don't really mind either way."
When you are assertive, you own your feelings and needs, and you feel justified in having them.
Don’t apologize for asking to get what you need., Communication happens both with words and with body language.The way you present your position will impact the way it’s received.
To have assertive nonverbal communication, practice some of these skills:
Maintain eye contact.
Stand or sit with good posture.
Speak with an appropriate tone and volume of voice.
Keep your body relaxed and calm. , When you communicate assertively, you also recognize the contributions of the other person.
You can still ask for what you want, but you should acknowledge when the other person has made concessions or has conveyed their feelings.Otherwise, you may come across as disinterested and rude. , When you are stressed, it’s often the case that you feel you are not in control of a situation.
This can influence the way you respond in a given situation.
You might be more prone to respond aggressively or passively.
Managing stress is integral to communicating assertively., If you’re tired or hungry, wait until you’ve resolved those issues before embarking on a conversation.
You might lose your cool more quickly and come across as rude if you’re not feeling very good., Learning to be assertive takes time and practice.
Start practicing your assertiveness techniques in small situations, such as telling your friend that you don’t want to watch a certain movie.
Build upon each experience and soon you will find yourself to be assertive in other situations too.
About the Author
Beverly Jenkins
Writer and educator with a focus on practical DIY projects knowledge.
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